Alfie’s Yellow Socks

yellow socksALFIE’S YELLOW SOCKS
                                       A true story

Do you remember having a family story that you used to tell over and over again for years and years, and then for some reason you just stopped telling the story?  I have a story like that and the reason I want to share it now is because it came up in a conversation I was having with my 5 year old granddaughter.  I hadn’t told the story in a long, long time and yet there I was, sharing this precious story once again to someone who had never even heard it before.  She loved it of course, not only because it is a beautiful story, but because it has to do with her father, my oldest son, Alfie.

The story goes way back 32 years almost to the day, back to March 20, 1979.  I just turned 19 years old that February.  I had also just celebrated my 1 year wedding anniversary on March 19th, and we had a seven month old baby named Alfonso, who we called Alfie.  The three of us were living in an attic apartment in the home of my in-laws.  That year was very stressful: I got married, had a new baby, and moved in with my Sicilian in-laws who didn’t speak English.  My husband worked non-stop, and I was home alone most of the time.  There was a brilliant light in my life however, which was this new little person; my baby, Alfie.

The morning of March 20th, was uneventful.  I woke up and made coffee.  Alfie woke up, and I made him something to eat.  I noticed mid-morning that I felt a little dizzy.  I thought I was just tired and layed down when Alfie took his nap.  The day went by, but I still didn’t really feel like myself.  I had a little bit of a headache when I went to sleep.  Next day, March 21st, same routine: woke up had coffee and took care of Alfie, except I felt a lot worse than the day before.  I was really dizzy, and I had a low-grade fever.  I thought maybe I was getting the flu.  The headache was getting much, much worse.  I took a walk with Alfie, thought maybe I’d feel better if I got some fresh air, but it didn’t help.  I called my sister to come up and help me take care of Alfie.    I was on the couch by 4 p.m., unable to really get up because my head hurt so much, and I was too dizzy to walk around or take care of Alfie.  Poor little thing…..but I was also still breastfeeding him.  I felt like I was dying.

Now, it’s the morning of March 22nd, three days since I started not feeling well.  My husband went to work again, and I was left home alone to care for Alfie.  I had a fever now of 103, and I could not get off the couch.  Thankfully, my mother-in-law saw how lousy I was feeling and stayed home from work to help me.  My head was killing me and felt like it was going to explode.  I couldn’t move my neck and I could barely walk.  I started vomiting.  I still thought maybe I had a bad virus or something so I started taking some cold medicine.  Nothing brought the fever down or did anything to relieve the throbbing pain in my head.  I also could not stop vomiting.  I knew something was dreadfully wrong with me.  I called my mother and said, “Ma, I’m sick.  I need to go to the hospital.  I can’t drive.  Please come and take me.”  She was there in 15 minutes.  My father-in-law and my mother helped carry me to the car.  I barely remember the 10 minute drive to the hospital, everything was cloudy in my brain.  I couldn’t move my head it was pounding so much and my neck hurt something fierce.

I remember my mother driving into the emergency room parking lot and parking the car.  She looked at me and said, “Ok, ready?”  I couldn’t even turn my head to look at her.  I just said, “I can’t walk. Ma,”  and I opened the door to vomit again.  She jumped out of the car and ran into the emergency room.  Seconds later  attendants were helping me into a wheelchair.  They stopped at the reception desk but I couldn’t answer any questions.  I could only shake my head.  I was barely conscious.  They brought me into a room, and layed me on a hospital bed, all the time asking me questions, I guess in an effort to keep me conscious.  This was all to no avail, and I was completely unconscious within 5 minutes…………….comatose.  I’d somehow contracted bacterial Spinal Meningitis.

I can only tell here from what other people have told me.   I was convulsing and thrashing around, kicking and biting.  My eyes looked like they were going to pop out of my head.  I was strapped in the hosptial bed and had to wear a helmet because I kept banging my head.  It was an absolute nightmare for my family and friends, as they all waited to see if I would pull through.

Things did not look good.  I’d waited at home those three days and lost precious time which might have prevented the disease from getting too serious.  The anitbiotics were not working.  There were some moments when I opened my eyes and looked around, but then I was gone again in an instant.  There were also times when I was screaming and yelling at everyone, “I’m alive.  I’m here.  Can’t you hear me?”  But I was unable to move my mouth or my eyes, so no one knew.   Then there was another time I did open my eyes and looked around the room, but I was totally blind….that really scared me, and I remember I started screaming, “I can’t see.  I’m blind!”

A couple of weeks went by and it didn’t look like I was going to survive.  The doctors told my mother that if I did survive, I would probably be in a vegetative state for the rest of my life, crippled and/or brain damaged.  Only 19 years old with a whole life ahead of me!  I remember opening my eyes at one point and seeing two priests hovering over me, praying.  I remember thinking to myself, “What the heck are they doing here?”  But I couldn’t speak, and I fell unconscious again.
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As the days passed I stopped coming in and out of the coma.  My mother said I just layed there quietly.  The fever was gone, but I was still in a coma.  During this quiet time, this is what I remember.  I was someplace floating around, like in space, but it wasn’t outerspace or anything weird or anything I was afraid of.  I was so light and didn’t have any worries or cares.  It felt heavenly.  I was alone though.  So, I was just floating around and enjoying the freedom, not thinking about anyone or anything, or about ever coming back to my body.  Why would I?  The weird part is that I had no ties to my life.  None.  My mind was free of space, time, or relationship connections.  My spirit was disconnecting from my body……..I was dying, yet I was being set free to start a new, different life.

My mother sat at my bedside day and night, stroking my forehead and talking to me as if I could hear her.  Poor women, she’d been told that I probably wouldn’t survive.  She was beside herself with worry and fear.   The doctors had done all they could, she knew that.  The priests had already come in and read me my last rites.  I wasn’t moving around anymore.  I was on a respirator and it seemed like it was just a matter of time before I passed away.

My mother was also deeply saddened by the fact that I would probably never see my son again.  So, about eight days into the coma she decided to bring something special to me from my home.  They couldn’t bring my son in to see me because he’d been admitted to Boston Children’s Hospital as a precaution since I’d been breastfeeding him.  He was fine, but he was so scared of hospitals.

Alfie’s yellow socks:  My mother came in to visit that day and she brought a little pair of yellow socks that my son loved to wear all the time.  He loved the color and wanted to wear them every day, everywhere.  My mother sat at my bedside and started talking to me about Alfie.  I was off in space somewhere, like I said, floating around without a care in the world and not planning on coming back.  Something happened though when she started talking about Alfie.  I heard her voice for the first time, but not clear.  It was a voice I knew but I didn’t recognize at first.  It came through to the space place I was at.  It was like someone talking far away in the distance, barely audible.  She kept talking about Alfie, and everytime i heard his name I wanted to listen harder.  With each sentence I could hear her a little bit clearer and then a little bit clearer. Then I heard her say, “And Sharen, look I brought in Alfie’s yellow socks.  I’m going to put his picture and his socks right here where you can see them.  You just need to open your eyes and they’re right here.”

Well, something happened to me in that moment.  A sudden jolt of reality hit me in my floating space, and I remembered about my beautiful little son.  I remember saying to myself, “What am I doing?  I can’t stay here.  Alfie needs me!”  Then all of a sudden, it was like I was swooshed back into my body, like a vacuum pulled me back in.  It was weird.  My mother said I turned my head to her and opened my eyes.  This is the first thing I remember……I looked over and saw Alfie’s yellow socks.  Then I smiled.  I looked at my mother, too.  She gasped and smiled back at me.  I was tired though and still couldn’t keep my eyes open.  I went back to sleep, but not for long.  I remember waking up again and seeing my father sleeping in a chair near my bed.  I was out of the coma.  He woke up to find me trying to get up out of bed.  The poor guy was completely stunned to see me awake and moving around.

I made a complete recovery with no residual effects;  no brain damage or paralysis.  My mother-in-law brought Alfie in to see me the next day.  He looked so frail and scared.  I loved him so much and couldn’t wait to get back home.

I have kept those yellow socks in my bureau drawer all this time, and repeated that story over and over again to my children and family.  But it wasn’t until I told it to my granddaughter the other day that I remembered how special those yellow socks were to me.  I’m sitting here holding them right now as I write this.  My baby Alfie, is now 32 years old.

I got very sick again in 2007 with pancreatitis and liver failure.   I got sick suddenly and things didn’t look too good.  You know what Alfie did?  He brought in a pair of his socks and put them in my hospital drawer as a reminder of how much he needs me and loves me.  Thank you, God for bringing Alfie into my life.  alfie1 Alfie and I, March 1979…..three weeks before I got sick.
alfie 2A couple of weeks before I got sick.
alfie3About a month after I came home from the hospital.
alfie5My guy, Alfie, 2 1/2 years old
alfie6Christmas 2009.

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Finding peace during the holidays

alfie7

For those of you who, like me, are trying hard to be strong this holiday season because you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one, the next few days will truly take a different kind of strength.  This kind of strength can only be found in the thought that our loved ones are still here with us.  I wrote this new Blog in the hope that someone may find comfort in what I am about to share.  I know the pain and sorrow associated with losing a parent, and also losing a child.  It has been a little over two years since my dad died in July 2008, and also a little over two years since my  youngest son, Carmelo, died instantly in a car crash in on August 7, 2008.  My dad was 71 and my son just 20 years old.  They died three weeks apart.

       It’s true that these losses have at times broken me down in mind and spirit.  I have often times found myself crumpled up in a puddle of tears begging my divine creator to please, please have mercy on me and ease my pain.  I have felt abandoned by the universe, wondering why I was even still alive, left to carry such intense pain alone; pain I could never imagine even existed in this life, only in hell.  I don’t drink or smoke or take any medication, so the ache of my pain has never been dulled.  It burns through my soul and into my DNA, if there is even such a thing.

Something weird happened to me when my dad died.  A weird something that I have since referred to as simply an “experience.” This experience definitely helped me deal with his passing.  First, let me say that when my dad died I wasn’t really a believer in an afterlife or in spirits being able to communicate with us.  Secondly, I do not want to influence anyone to believe anything.  I can only share my experience and let you decide what, if any, meaning it holds for you.  This is what I “experienced” at the same instant my dad died:

My dad had a heart attack and for a week was kept alive on life-support.  It was a long week for my seven siblings and I, and we knew at some point we would have to make the heartbreaking decision on when to remove the breathing tube.  The day came and we were in the room, surrounding our dad in his hospital bed (all except my sister, who hadn’t spoken to my dad in many years).  I laid my head down on my dad’s chest and put a
blanket over my head to hide my tears from everyone.  The nurse was there, prepared to
take out the breathing tube.  I started to cry under the blanket, my tears soaked his chest.
The breathing tube was removed.  He breathed on his own a few breathes.  I could feel his chest move as he struggled to breath.  Then he stopped.  His chest was still.  I looked out from under the cover at his face.  Next thing I knew, my knees gave way, I collapsed on the floor next to his bed, and found myself in some kind of trance or dream.  I still don’t know what to call it which is why I call it an “experience.”

          My eyes were closed (I thought I passed out) but my mind was wide awake and in my mind, I saw my dad ahead of me walking away really, really fast.  He appeared to definitely be in a hurry to go somewhere.  I called out to him, but he just kept walking away really fast, almost running.  I called out again and started running after him.  I was running right behind him and calling him but he didn’t hear me and he didn’t turn around.  I finally got close enough to reach out to grab his hand.  In that instant when my hand touched his, he stopped moving away and turned slowly around to look at me.  His face was so different.  It was illuminated with a soft white glow….he looked like he was about 35 and not 71.  He didn’t look sick anymore (my dad was sick for a long time with diabetes and arthritis).  He wasn’t overweight anymore.  He just had a look that I can only call angelic.  His eyes were compasionate and loving.  I said, “Dad,” and paused and said, “don’t go.”

          Then, I turned around and all my siblings were standing there with me.  My dad looked at us all, and then he reached through the group and held out his arms for my sister (who he hadn’t talked to in about 20 years).  He hugged her and honestly, the hug seemed to last like 20 years even though it was over in a moment.  Then he moved back from us and started to turn to walk away.  He wasn’t running this time though.  I got anxious and said, “Dad, don’t go.  When will I see you again?”  He turned around to look at me, and with great tenderness put his hand out to me and gently said, “Sharen, don’t worry.  I’ll be waiting for you.”  He smiled at me then turned away slowly.  I stood there with my siblings.  All of a sudden a huge white light appeared off in the distance (and I mean huge, bigger than the sun).  My dad started walking toward the light (without a limp anymore).  He was young and strong again.
alfie8My dad and I in 1992.

I watched him walk off and started to open my eyes.  I was still on the hospital floor next to the bed he died in.  My sisters were looking down at me, calling out my name.  They picked me up, and I told them what happened.   None of us even tried to explain what happened and I guess we all hust innocently believe that I really did catch of to my dad’s spirit on his way to heaven.  I think (or I hope) the experience comforted them too.  I keep this memory close to my heart and know that my father would not have told me he would be waiting for me if it were not true.  Was it a dream?  I still have no idea what the heck it was, but I know that my spirit chased my dad somewhere after his spirit left his body.

The next experience I had was a dream I had a couple of weeks ago.  I have been feeling really sad with the holidays approaching, missing and longing for my son (who died in a car accident two years ago), crying a lot.  The dream really helped me and maybe it will help another grieving soul.

I dreamed I was at my mother’s house and my son, Carmen, was laying there in a bed.  I saw him there, and he started to move around like he was trying to come to life.  He kept trying to talk but I didn’t have any idea what he was trying to say.  I thought he was on drugs or something, and I was going to call an ambulance.  I kept reaching for the phone but never called.  The poor kid was trying so hard to talk to me, but it was all just babble to me.  I felt completely helpless watching him trying so hard to communicate with me.  He was almost crying, but he just couldn’t do it no matter how hard he tried. 

I woke up from my dream.  This is my interpretation:
I felt selfish.  Here I’ve been grieving without any thoughts of how or if my emotions and actions affect my son.  My dream proved to me that my son feels my sadness and longs for me to be happy.  He would do and give anything to make me happy.  He even tried to come back in a form and using a language that I would easily understand and recognize just to comfort me.  However, I now know just how difficult it is for him to take his ultra-pure form and force it back into a human form.  It would be like me trying to force my spirit to be a cat or a fish.  And, he doesn’t even speak English (or any other human language) anymore.  He has reached his fullest potential, and I need to be happy for him and accept him in this new form.  My belief that his presence is still here was completely renewed after I had this dream.  I need to stop my grieving and encourage and love my son, just as I did when he was here in person.  The relationship between he and I continues throughout eternity, the bond can not be severed just because the body dies.

I accept my “experiences” as nothing more than random things that happen.  I don’t define myself by them or try and label them in any way.  I try and live in the moment and accept things and just hope that by sharing my experiences I can help other people.
Peace, Love, Joy to all  = PeLoJo 
     

                                            Let me smile today and forget my sorrow,
                                                   wrap up my tears until tomorrow.
                                              Let me be of good cheer….. this is why,
                                     because my angel sees the world through my eyes.
                                          Let me give my angel a day filled with love,
                                                  my actions reflect to him up above.
                                          Let my heart be known by the songs I sing,
                                             for my angel carries my love on his wings.
                                                                  SWR (c) 2010


Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Let music be my gift

With the holidays approaching I know what a difficult time of year this can be for so many people.  However, I couldn’t always relate to how truly difficult this season can be.  I lacked the experience which would enable me to truely empathize with the sadness, lonliness, and emptiness that epitomized the season for “those” people.  How could I?  I was married, running a household and caring for my four kids, running two family businesses, and busy being the oldest sister to six siblings.  I thought I was invincible.  Untouchable.  Too strong for life to hit and run.

And then my world, from 2005 – 2009, was rocked with one hit after another.  My marriage of 28 years ended, my kids moved out, my beautiful little dog died, I had to relocate seven times, I was attacked and assaulted, I almost died from pancreatitis and a liver disorder, I lost my job, my dad died, my son died, my step-father died, and I went bankrupt.

At the beginning of this year, 2010, I remember saying to myself that I just didn’t care anymore.  I was a beaten women.  I felt like I had nothing left, and that life had taken so much from me on such a deep level that there really wasn’t anything left to take.  I had nothing left to lose.  I knew I needed to find a reason to live or I would probably just shrivel up and die.

Music saved my life.  Once I decided that I didn’t “give a damn” anymore, I threw myself into my songwriting and producing my music.  I decided to choose to live and to sing my way through all my grief.  I took the focus off all the trials and tribulations I’d been through, instead, directing my attention to creating the most poinyant lyrics and melodies I could write.  My life began to turn around.  I made no projections for where I would be or where I was going or how I would pay my bills, but somehow when I let go of my misery and  shame, everything in my life fell into place.

I can now say that I truly empathize with others when they say how difficult this holiday season is for them.  I know because I too feel lonely, empty, and sad at times, especially upon hearing all the Christmas songs on the radio and seeing all the homes decorated with lights.  It is certainly not an easy time for those of us dealing with grief and loss.  I pray for all of us that we may find the strength and courage we need to face the season, and even more, to find a way to give to others.  My music is my gift to you.

alfie9 FREE and CLEAR
Song written and sung by Sharen Wendy Robertson

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

It’s about the message

    I wrote this story back in 1994, a time in my life of much spiritual soul searching.  As I analyzed and questioned all that I’d been taught and learned in my life about religion and spirituality the notion came to me that I should be free to create my own explanation of God and destiny, love and hate, human behavior, etc., etc.  Although 16 years have passed since I wrote this, it still holds (what I consider, anyway) some unique and interesting explanations on life.   I consider it to be just a story, please don’t be offended.  Think about the message……………..which is LOVE.                                        

REENA SHI
By
Sharen Wendy Robertson
                                                                                 

 

 

           

     Long, long ago, before God created the universe, He lived with all of His angels in Heaven.  God thought His angels were very special and loved all of them the same.  Each angel was empowered with a unique talent: some angels could sing, some could write poetry, some could draw, and some angels could think big thoughts.  Yet, there was one angel who was especially close to God.  He called her Reena Shi.  Sometimes Reena Shi would sit for hours and days (well, for a long time because they don’t really keep track of time in Heaven) on the front steps of God’s throne and watch as He inspired the universe into existence. 

     This was not an easy task, even for God, so once a month He summoned a meeting with His staff of angels who could think big thoughts.  They met at the Palace of Heavenly Thought.  It was by far one of the most beautiful buildings in Heaven. The Palace was made of clear, blue crystal.  There was no need for doors because the beings could pass right through the crystal.  The steps up to the Palace were magnificent: sculpted silver with diamonds, rubies, and emeralds, and sparkling stardust waterfalls on each side of the steps.  Worker angels lovingly polished the stones, while maintenance angels kept watch over the stardust.  The roof was open to the sky so the light of the sun always shown down from above.  God‘s conference chamber was on the first floor.  The meetings usually lasted a long time, and Reena Shi always included herself because she wanted to be near God. 

     In those early days of creation there was so much work to do, like where to put this star and where to put that planet.  Creating a new universe isn’t as easy as you might think, the dimensions must be absolutely perfect so that everything has enough room to grow or else things will bump into each other.  This was such important work in fact that God commanded his angels to be very precise. 

    “When you design this new universe make sure it is perfectly balanced,” said God. “Everything

 

must have enough room to grow.”

 

     Reena Shi watched God create.  The matters of the earth, like the flowers, trees, and animals all listened carefully to their instructions from God.  He was like a conductor of an orchestra, his hand would go up and all things would know what to do.  The flowers would open.  The clouds would rain.  The sun would shine.  The moon would glow.  Babies would be born, and people would die.        

     From out of all that God had created He loved the earth the most.  In the beginning, God had loved everything the same, but the earth was the only planet that had listened to Him.  All the other planets were once as alive as the earth, but they became very stubborn and thought they didn’t need God.  Like Mars and Pluto and Saturn, they were once filled with plants and people just like the earth.  Sadly, they began to think they didn’t need God and when He tried to whisper to them they wouldn’t listen.  This stubbornness upset the balance God had worked so hard to create.  He kept trying to whisper instructions to all those planets:

     “Please, just love each other,” God said softly.  They all ignored this tiny, simple command.

     Life on those planets existed for awhile without God, but without love to balance the meanness, all the animals and insects and people hated each other.  Soon the flowers wouldn’t open because they were jealous that the birds could fly, and the sun stopped shining because he didn’t want the moon in his sky anymore.  Then, little by little, everything on those other planets slowly died off.  It got very, very cold until everything…………just…………….froze. 

     There wasn’t anything God could do except to try and not think about all He had lost.  Instead, He thought about something very wonderful. 

“Thank goodness,” He sighed, “I still have the earth.”

     God turned away from the cold, lifeless space.  Looking down from His throne He could see the earth: healthy, vibrant, and colorful.  God gazed lovingly at the blue skies, green forests, golden fields, orange sunsets, red sunrises, gray clouds, and the silver moon.  Even when He was busy doing God-work He still kept a loving, watchful eye on his favorite planet.  Sometimes God would journey around the earth.  His presence was a warm, gentle breeze. 

Reena Shi often traveled with God.  She enjoyed her trips to earth; loved all of it, especially the creatures that God called human beings.  Of all of God’s creations, human beings were His favorite, and He was very protective of them.  With a peaceful thought God would breathe over the earth.  At this, all the animals and plants jumped up and down with joy.  Then everything lit up with a warm, heavenly light only God and the angels could see.  Any living thing with an innocent heart had this light.  It was the most shimmering, sparkling, shining light in the whole universe.  Human beings had the most brilliant light, some so strong that it was visible to God and Reena Shi for miles and miles.  It was especially helpful to those humans whose light was not very bright because to grow stronger all they needed to do was be around someone with a strong light.  Every minute with that person made their light glow brighter and brighter. 

     Sadly, there were some humans who were so far away from the light of others that they were always in darkness.  They didn’t know they were in darkness because only God and the angels could see the light.  They just felt lonely and bored with themselves, and their sadness made them feel cold.  The coldness slowed them down, and they became angry.  God traveled the earth and searched for those humans who were cold.  He tried over and over again to warm them by breathing His spirit on them but they were stubborn.  Their hearts were too cold to love anything, not even themselves.  They just turned the other way until God passed by, pretending not to notice that He was even there at all.  They just got colder and colder until their hearts……….just…….froze.

     God was very sad for these humans.  He looked away from the earth, out into the cold, lifeless universe and cried.  His teardrops were made of pure, blue crystal and each tear was the thought of a cold, yet beautiful human.  Each crystal teardrop was caught by an angel and placed gently in its own glass case.  Every case was outlined with liquid gold and silver.  On the bottom was a golden nameplate where the angels carefully wrote the names of the humans who had died without feeling the light of God.  Reena Shi noticed that God was crying more often and that the overflow of tears was keeping the angels busier than ever catching his teardrops.

     Now, the order in Heaven was this: God loved humans beings and the angels, but unlike the angels, humans were delicate and needed special, gentle care.  So, God assigned an angel to protect every child. 

  “Throughout time,” He commanded, “every human child will receive an angel. The angel will stay with that human for an entire lifetime.  The humans will call this presence “soul.”  You will bring my love with you to earth, and I will call you home when your work on earth is done.”

     The angels smiled and danced because they were happy to please God.

     “Remember,” God said gently, “humans must choose to love each other.  You will experience life and they will experience my love.  As your time on earth is fulfilled, your memory of Heaven will start to come back.  If you and the human become especially close, they will feel what you feel and sense what you know.  But remember, if you reveal yourselves to the humans they will die.”

      There was silence in the great hall where God’s throne was.  A warm wind passed through all the angels and the great hall became thunderous with God’s thoughts. Then God tried to prepare his angels for those humans who would not love.

     “Some of you will be born into humans who will grow cold no matter how hard you try to remind them to love.  When I call you home your only memory of them will be their names.  Each name will then be inscribed on a glass case with a crystal teardrop inside.  Nothing else will be remembered of that human.  For the humans who were warm and loving, all their thoughts and feelings will live on for all eternity in you.”

     Reena Shi sat on the marble steps with her friends.  They all sang a heavenly tune for God.  Soon, it was time for Reena Shi and her friends to leave Heaven.  They were all lifted up and placed in a golden archway.  There they waited suspended in space and time.  They sang again while they waited for God (in a low hum of course so God would not think they were being impatient). 

     “I send you out to the earth as my special messengers,” God finally said.  “You will bring an understanding of love and it will light the world.  This is an important mission because the light has already begun to flicker

on earth and even grow dark in some places.  You must rescue and protect all I have left.”

     Then God summoned Reena Shi to sit near Him.  She gazed upward, eyes closed, and the vision of God filled her mind. 

     “You are my joy,” God whispered.  “I am always with you, watching over you, and loving you.  In a very short time you will not remember me, but do not be afraid because I will remember everything about you every moment of forever.  You are always with me, and I am always listening.”

     “I am not afraid,” she reassured God.  “Even if I can not remember you, I think my love is strong enough to stay with me and keep me warm until you call me to come home.” 

     God moved Reena Shi back with her friends, and then she fell asleep.  When she awoke she was within a small child named Rose.  The child felt Reena Shi’s presence. 

     Time passed slowly on earth.  God missed his companion, and sometimes on his journeys around earth would pass by Rose’s house.  Once, when Rose was four years old, He even paused while she played in her backyard.  His presence filled the yard.  The birds and animals began an excited clatter and the trees bent down to welcome Him.  Rose closed her eyes and turned up toward the warm, bright sun.  From deep within Rose, Reena Shi awoke and turned up toward the sun too.  For that moment, God was the sun and both Reena Shi and Rose were filled with His love. 

     Rose took a deep breath, and Reena Shi felt the warmth of the breath.  Then, as if by magic, their breathing was in perfect harmony with the presence of God.  The moment was calm and peaceful. Rose was overwhelmed with the light and warmth of God’s love, and she began to cry.  The little girl sat alone in the yard; no one heard her cry or came to comfort her.  She rocked back and forth, crying tears that she did not understand.  She lay down on the grass, the tears continued.  Still, no one came to comfort her.  

     God felt compassion for Rose.  She stopped crying and fell asleep on the grass.  At that moment, God lifted her thoughts, and she dreamed of Heaven.  God took Rose above the universe and beyond the stars.  In that same instant, Reena Shi awoke and remembered who she was.  She gazed at God and His love embraced her.  Reena Shi and Rose rested in God’s loving embrace.  An eternity passed, yet when Rose opened her eyes she was still laying on the grass in her yard.  This experience stayed with her throughout her life.  God continued to visit Rose, and she grew up to be a loving, compassionate woman.  God was very pleased with this, and Rose was remembered throughout eternity in Reena Shi.   

     As for the rest of the earth, God continued to watch and hope.  He realized the difficult challenges His angels were facing.  He also knew that the distance between Heaven and Earth was far too wide for even the most loving humans to cross.  So finally God decided, without another moment’s hesitation, to pack up His kingdom and move everything to earth.  This way He could monitor the situation more closely.  As always, Reena Shi, who was now back home in heaven, was by God’s side.  Thank goodness, because when God arrived on Earth neither His angels nor the humans recognized Him.  He realized that in order for things to improve He needed to make Himself known. This proved to be more difficult than He thought it would be. 

     “How can I show my loving nature?” said God.  “Humans are suspicious and fearful.  Maybe I stayed away too long.”

     He thought and thought.  Finally, He had an idea. 

     “I will answer them when they call.  I will answer them loudly so they can hear me.  I will also call out to them.  I will call them loudly so they can hear me.”

     The wind began to blow boldly from the four corners of the earth.  The sun danced merrily with the moon in the sky.  The birds perched on the backs of other creatures and rode peacefully without being bothered.  The oceans calmed themselves and the air around the earth smelled of sweet, fragrant roses.  Everything in nature cooperated as if to say:   “Listen up humans!  God has not forgotten you.  This is His nature and He is revealing it to you.” 

    With a sense of wonder and curiosity, humans from all walks of life, all races and nationalities, turned from their busy, lonely lives, closed their eyes and felt the safe embrace of their loving God.  All at once everything on earth heard His voice.  The whole of creation glowed brilliantly with a light not seen by God since the beginning of time.  Then, in all His glory and joy, He cried.  Reena Shi sat down beside God and cried too.  At that moment the earth became a beacon of light and warmth to the rest of the universe.  God reached out generously and lightly touched the planets around the earth.  They were still frozen, yet somewhere deep within the ice and cold a tingle of thaw began.  The loving light from the earth was being absorbed in the universe.  Everything was peaceful.  God smiled, and then He and Reena Shi rested with the earth.               

 

                    The End        

           

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Global madness: what’s wrong here?

     I am prompted to write today due to the catastrophy occuring in the Gulf of Mexico.  For me, this prolonged spewing of oil in such a delicate part of the world is cause for reflection.  Watching this horror unfold over the past several months has made me even more aware and sensitive to all the bad things taking place in the world.  I mean really, if you want to think about it (not that anyone really wants to), but what about global warming, and acid rain, cruelty to animals, and destruction of the rain forest, and human trafficing, and drug and alcohol addiction, and child abuse and domestic violence, sexual abuse, neglect, greed, lonliness even though we’re all “connected”, illiteracy, hunger, sickness, disparate wealth, etc.  I mean, the list could go on and on and on and on.
    It really makes me wonder what is driving this madness.  Why are people hurting each other and the beautiful world we live in.  Why?  Why don’t people care?  I wonder, is it drugs?  Maybe so many people are medicated they can’t think rationally.  Are they medicated with the high of greed and lust?  What is it and how come we can’t pull ourselves out of it?  Our species is completely out of control. 
     As I sit here analyzing, I think I may have the answer!  Since we have so efficiently removed ourselves from the food chain, we have been given free reign to completely take over the planet.  I suppose the same thing would happen if any species were allowed to overpopulate the planet.  It would be disastrous for all other living creatures.  That species would consume the planet until everything was either used up or ruined.  The balance of nature is gone forever now because we have the ability to ensure our own survival.  On top of that, I don’t think there is a such thing anymore as the “balance of nature” because we’ve tipped the scale in our favor so that nature doesn’t rule the planet, we do.  Oh, nature can still create havoc on earth, but we seem to have become dictators and overpowered the survival of most living organisms on earth.     
     There is nothing odd with what we’ve done here, the purpose of all organisms is to survive.  We have a survival instinct embedded within our genes, just like bacteria and lions and flies, which dictates our drive to ensure the survival of our species.  But, the survival instinct in us is not for our species, it is for ourselves, which is to consume and consume, and to get, while the getting is good because this will ensure the survival of my particular gene which naturally is the best gene and if I don’t perpetuate my gene, then my gene will die out.  Not my species, but my gene.  That is why we not only trample the environment, we trample each other.   Still embedded in us is the notion of survival of the fittest and we will trample anything that doesn’t support our sovereignty.
The human family does not operate as a group, like an ant colony or a bee hive, we operate independently and for the most part without regard for how our actions effect other human beings; or anything else for that matter. 
         So I think the question now is, “How do we get each other to see each other as part of the same family?”  Instead of only seeing each other and the environment as something to overpower in our quest for the survival of our genes.  I don’t have an answer.  I wish I did.  I don’t think there really is any turning back from this because even if some of us have the decency to step back and learn once again to appreciate and respect things, there is another person just dying to step in our shoes and get his share of the “good life.”  Just like the environment and weak races of people, we’ll just get trampled, too.  And what good is that?  It will take the strong amongst us to ensure the survival of our world.  We need something to bring us together as one unified mind-set.  Who knows, maybe one simple word will do; maybe this word,  PELOJO (Peace/Love/Joy), will do.  (Hey, atleast I’m trying.)     
Pelojo to you all.  
Sharen    

Funny, I just remembered a poem I wrote when I was 11 years old (that was way back in 1971).  I think I wrote it because the Vietnam War was on the news every night and watching it saddened me.  I think my poem, although written by a child, says everything we need to know. 
 
Rock Me Oh Lord

Rock me oh Lord,
Till the day that I die,
And tell me why,
The people must cry.
And tell me why,
I have such dreams,
That the sun won’t shine,
And the sky won’t gleam.
I guess it’s because,
We have done ourselves in,
To a life full of hate,
And a life full of sin.
But we could change things,
If we wanted to,
And live in a world,
Which is precious and new. 

 

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Memorial Day, song for our loved ones

Today is Memorial Day 2010, a day to remember those who have served and died in the armed forces.  The day was rather melancholy, I don’t know why.  I didn’t feel much like my usual hyper-active self.  I chatted on Facebook with a childhood friend who is over in Iraq working as an electrician.  He says it was over 100 degrees and there’s no shade anywhere, just sand and sun.  I haven’t talked to him in oh, probably 30 years.  It was weird, yet familiar and pleasant.  I wonder if I’m sad today because I can feel all the other saddness of other parents who have lost their children.  With so many people remembering their loved ones, I think it just made me miss my son.  I just watched an old movie, Signs, with Mel Gibson, and I couldn’t stop crying.  I can’t watch anything anymore because I’m so sensitive.  My dad was a veteran and he died in 2008, three weeks before my son, Carmen.  I haven’t gone to visit him yet at the cemetary.  I wanted to go today because it was Memorial Day, but I didn’t feel well, so I’ll have to go some other time.  I did visit my son twice today.  I go up there and even though it’s been almost two years, I am still hoping that his grave won’t be there.  Then I take the corner to go down the avenue where he is buried, and sure enough, he’s still there.  I drive up really slow and look out my window at his headstone, yeah, that’s him.  He’s still here.  I wish it was all a dream and that he’s really not dead.  “How can my son be dead?”  I ask myself.  But there’s no answer, it just is and I have to accept it.  I try to pretend that he’s just away right now and that he’ll be coming back home or that he’s going to call me, but then I remember that I visit his grave and so it isn’t like I don’t know where he is already.  He’s up there, in the ground.  Not his spirit, but his body and the humanness of him.  It’s buried about a half a mile from my house.  I miss touching his face and reaching out and putting my arm around him.  I miss hearing him talk and laugh and yes, I miss argueing with him.  I miss teaching him and sharing with him and cooking for him.  I miss everything that made him human.  Now I have to grieve what I’ve lost and yet I also have to learn to be in this new spiritual relationship with him; one where I can’t touch him, or have a conversation with him, or see him and yet continue believing and feeling him near me.  He’s an angel now.  He’s a bright white light of energy.  He doesn’t even look like Carmen anymore.  I am so grateful that I was the one who got to mother and love him.  I grew him in my belly and pushed him out into the world (I almost died during labor, too).      

I wrote this song a couple of months after my son died.  It is the first song I ever wrote.  I hope someone finds comfort in my words. 

      “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE GONE”


Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.