My personal journey of contemplation on the topic of existence.


              I asked myself (and the inner light within me) some challenging questions about existence this past weekend.  I reflected on things such as the afterlife, death, soul, etc.  This is definitely not based on any religious ideas, nor am I claiming it to be a “Truth”, it is just the written reflections and dialog between me and my inner Light.  

                  This is what I learned after I asked specific questions and waited for something to come into my mind.  I then wrote down what came into my mind:

1)  Assuming that our souls are spiritual beings in heaven with God, why would a beautiful spiritual being need or want and agree to come into the physical world?  I keep hearing that it’s because our souls have something to learn or do.  This doesn’t make any sense to me if the spiritual being is already perfect in heaven with God.  This is what I wrote:

                      At some point in time our souls came into being (we were not always spiritual beings in heaven with God).  This would explain why we keep agreeing to come back to learn more.  At some point in time, could even be the beginning of time, we were born physical and our soul was born too.  It may not have been into a human being and it may not have been in this galaxy or universe or time period, but at some point we began our existence by being “born”.   

                        The concept however that we come back to learn because we didn’t learn enough or make the right choices in a pevious lifetime needed a bit of reflection I htought.  Are we really held hostage to the choices and decisions we make in a lifetime, ones which are based upon the knowledge we have at that present time as well as whatever our current circimstances were or are? To me, that sounds eerily similar to the Christian doctrine that states we are all born with the sins of Adam and Eve, our earthly ancestors, and therefore must be “baptised” in order to wash away sins that had nothing to do with us in our lives.    

                         Therefore, I find it hard to accept that we are living a spiritual life many times over.  The “forgiveness” theory which Jesus preached (basically that we are forgiven in this lifetime for our sins) frees us from ever having to “come back again”.   

                     Which brings me now to the concept of “soul”.   I don’t even know where to start with this……all I can do is show the chain of dialog in order for it to make sense.

                           So, no one’s soul is born until some kind of vehicle is created to actually house (or imprison) the soul (be it a body or something else maybe in another dimension that I can not even imagine).  Our souls were probably all born at the same time, when everything was created and our souls have been evolving.  But did every soul start out kind of limited in it’s knowledge and evolve along with species on this planet?  I mean there would be no reason why a lizard would need the spiritual capacity to contemplate existence. 

At this point I made this jump in my reflection:

                              Every soul is simply the light of God. It is in everything and as species evolved, so has the soul.  The soul of the universe and all of creation is God.  The God that exists within us existed forever, the the past, present and the future.  God always existed, but we didn’t, but when we came into existence God touched us and instilled in our physical form a piece of Him, which is necessary for life, just a spark, but a piece of Him nonetheless.  So, the turn of events is that we live many lives in all kinds of capacities and ways, and we evolve from other physical vessels which house our spark of God…we could be a spark of God from another dimension landing here in the present form to learn.  At some point God touched something and “I” was born – my soul was born, which is exactly not even “my” soul, it is simply an extension of God.  It’s not “me” or “mine”..it’s God…..a piece of the “I Am”         

                             Now I make the jump from thinking God is like a person who created everything to knowing Him only as the “I Am”

                               I ask:  Why would my soul need to evolve if it is already a piece of the “I AM”?  It wouldn’t make sense.  The “I Am” doesn’t need to evolve.  Am I to believe that my piece of the “I Am” has been trapesing around the galaxies and decided to just land here on earth inside of me?  and if my soul is just a piece of the “I Am” then It doesn’t take a memory of me with it everywhere…why would it?  The “I Am” knows everything and the “I AM” in me is a collective mind of everything…not just my own past, present, and future. 

                       Which prompts this question:  If the “I Am” knows everything then what is the purpose of It perpetuating (or imprisoning) Itself inside a vessel (form)?   Answer: maybe there is no purpose because the Light of the “I Am” just penetrates all – encompasses all – fills all.  As I tried to grasp this concept, I envisioned a few different possibilities for understanding what this means.  I envisioned the whole universe inside of say, an ocean….the ocean being the “I AM”, or maybe envision it as smoke.  You see,  smoke and the ocean penetrate everything living within it.  The smoke doesn’t actually have to reach out and “touch” anything for it to penetrate the form.  The smoke envelopes the form, lives in it and around it and goes out in all directions from it.  We, at the same time, can not step outside of the “I AM”.   It always exists.  You could also think of air or space…think of the “I Am” as everywhere…..therefore there is no need to purposefully bring anything into existence.  Existence occurs within the “I AM”.  

                       However, unlike water and the air which can be polluted by the forms which inhabit it, the “I Am” can not be polluted or effected by anything that happens within it.  We are not here to learn anything nor are we in need of forgiveness because the “I AM” that lives within us is above and beyond all of that nonsense.  The “I AM” never changes, in fact It doesn’t even “feel” our pain because this is strictly physical and superficial.  Does our pain touch the “I AM”?  NO……Does it change the “I AM”?   NO.  Whatever our humanness does is of no consequence to the “I AM”.  We are born and then we die, but the “I AM” encompasses all        

                       Which leads to the question:  What happens to our soul when we die?  Since the soul is simply the “I Am” within us, then it reasons that when our physical form dies, the “I Am” within us just disperses back to the whole.  If it just disperses back to the whole, then it never really left the whole…our form just ceases to exist.  Therefore the spirit within us is not unque or individual…it IS the “I AM.”  We carry within us a piece of the “I AM.”  Nothing has to “return” anywhere because nothing actually left the “I Am.”  

                       Which leads to this train of thought:  Human beings have added nothing to creation nor to the benefit of the earth.  For example, trees soak up carbon dioxide and produce oxygen (although on that thought, maybe we could say that human beings provide carbon dioxide for plants).  Ok, so we provide something…but really, all we really do is consume and pollute.  There doesn’t seem to be a purpose for us at all other than as a part of the food chain, so it would seem appropriate that we would need a prideful designation, such as “being made in God’s image” to explain why we are even here at all and to make us feel better about the fact that we are not special.  However, there is one quality or ability which is unique only to human beings (and I think we evolved this capacity because we are basically a nasty bunch of creatures)…and it is that we have the ability to know the “I AM” within us on a personal level.  Other creatures have the “I AM” within them too, but only human beings can contemplate and reflect on this concept.  The gift is not that we’ve been given life, nor the fact that the “I AM” dwells within us, the gift is that we get to experience the “I AM” within us.  Those who recognise this in their physical lives, are actually transcending the physical world and connecting with the “I AM”.  No other creature on earth gets this opportunity (well, none that I know of) and then…ever so humbly…we will die.   Maybe that’s really all there is to this life….to make that connection and experience the wonder of the “I AM.”  Sad that most people will never come to connect with the “I AM” within.  In that case, they are living only the physical reality – but does it matter?

                      Does it matter to the “I AM” whether or not we become aware?  No.  It does not matter to the “I AM” because we do not add to or take away from the “I AM.” 

                     Why bother being a aware of the “I AM”?  Because this knowledge is what separates human beings from all others in this reality.  It is an unique ability, meant to be cherished as one would cherish a priceless treasure.  It is meant to be polished and put on display for all the world to see.

                     What exactly is the “I AM”?

                                  I AM NOT A DESTINY.

                                  I AM NOT AN INDIVIDUAL.

                                  I AM NOT A NAME.

                                  I AM NOT LESS THAN.

                                  I AM NOT MORE THAN.

                                  I AM WHAT I AM.

                                  I AM A BEAM OF LIGHT.

                                  I AM YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

                                  I AM PURE.

                                  I AM STRENGTH.

                                  I AM INTEGRITY.

                                  I AM DIGNITY.

                                  I AM COMPASSION.

                                  I AM LOGIC.

                                  I AM JUSTICE.

                                  I AM TRUTH.

                                  I AM AN ALL-KNOWING BEAM OF LIGHT.

                                  I AM THE LIGHT.

                                  I AM WHAT I AM.

Be grateful and humbled for the opportunity to know the “I AM” in this lifetime and work diligently and tirelessly for understanding for only in our humanness can we be aware of this duality.  Our humanness allows us to think on our own while being immersed in the “I AM”.  No other creature can do that. 

                                Does our individual life matter? No.  We must be humble to the realization that we live and we die, but the “I AM” in us will go on forever.  Our individuality and importance is an illusion created by a false sense of pride. 

                               Which then brings me, Sharen Wendy Robertson, full circle.  And I ask the question, “If our individual life does not matter and we do not possess a unique soul, and the “I AM” within us just disperses into itself when our physical life ends, then it would reason that our deceased loved ones, their personalities, also cease to exist at the time of their death.  No wonder why we grieve so.  I think it is because we have an innate awareness of the truth, one which tells us that our loved ones are truly gone.  Yet our humanness refuses to let go and we create connections with spirits that simply are not there.  Yet, through our pain we are raised to a new level of connection with the “I AM” allowing us to tap into realms other than our physical reality, and this brings the potential for unlimited possiblites.     

                                Regarding psychics and those who can see, feel and touch things in the spiritual realm.  If a life ceases to exist, then what is it that a psychic “sees”?  I think psychics have the ability to transcend the physicial and connect with the “I AM” therefore they can “be” anywhere the “I AM” is.  I think we all have the ability to transcend the physical, too.           

These are just my own personal views on existence.  I am not asking for approval or disapproval.  I am not saying it is right or it is wrong or absolute.  I am just sharing a part of myself in the hope that others might contemplate what life has meant to them.       

   

                               

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

One month of reflections from a women who thinks too much


7/17/11   It is a strength in humans to find coping strategies, not a weakness, and we create them to help us withstand all that happens in life.  Productive strategies are springboards to growth and finding peace, while others keep us locked in our pain without any hope of finding meaning or purpose in our lives.  Hopefully, we choose productive strategies, ones which will eventually lead us to light once again.   

 7/18/11   Let peacefulness be your rock, your foundation, and keep it in focus as a clear destination of where you want to be throughout life’s challenges.  I can once again walk in the light, but I’ve worked very hard to bring myself out of the depths of despair.  I focus on being peaceful. 

7/21/11     “In one sweeping instant my son’s death cut my soul to the core with a wound so deep I saw the rippling effects on me throughout eternity. I was blinded by profound torment and despair. However (and unknown to me at the time), the loss also shattered my defenses and allowed my exposed, humbled soul to flow vulnerable, pure, and spiritual. From out of the depths of my sorrow my soul was freed and the world welcomed me with open arms.” thank u world…swr PeLoJo (peace, love, joy)

7/22/11     It’s tough not to hate sometimes. However, I can only say this, that I see and believe that everything in creation is connected and that our beings are pure, spiritual light energy.  If you only see light eminating from the soul of creation and everything is actually one you don’t hate anything, how can you? It would be like hating your own self. You can be distgusted and hurt, sometimes angry and sad, but not hateful.

7/22/11     I met my ex when I was 14 years old.  No one gets married thinking it won’t last a lifetime and no one has children thinking they will die before we do…but it’s all a part of those loving chances we take in life.  I think loss and the grief we experience because of it, be it the death of a marriage or a person, has an intensity which reflects the love that once flourished.  Accepting the loss and allowing the light of love to shine again can be a monumental mountain to climb.       

7/22/11    Although we can find peace, comfort, and solace in spirituality and religion, throughout history differing views on these has also brought dissent, disaggreement, hurt and pain among people. We must be mindful of how easily we can fall into this mode.  We must love each other first and be here for the benefit of each other, and hopefully if we are all here for the benefit of others we will be benefitted in return.  

7/23/11    I think our children who have died remain our future whether they are physically here or not. We will never forget them, and we will go on to hopefully lead productive lives dedicated to them. They still “breath” on earth through us and their heart beats in time with ours…..until we close our eyes and take our final breath, at which time we will awaken from the years of grieving to be reunited with our babies (and of course, they are all babies no matter what age they got their angel wings). 

7/24/11     My son, Carmen, will be gone three years on 8/7/08. I was niave and innocent before that day. It never crossed my mind that I could possibily lose a child. Imagine that, I smugly thought it was like an STD and thought it only happened to “other” people, as if it were something they caught. I wonder if that’s how people view me now. I am wiser now with a much more realistic, humble view of the world around me and a more open one to the world I can not see.

7/24/11     Another lovely day is setting with the sun…..I’d make a wish to prolong this day if I could, but I won’t because I’d run the risk of also having to prolong the ones that weren’t so lovely. No thanks….I’ll just cherish these ones as fleeting little miracles meant for me to enjoy for the moment and then “poof”……time to make room for the potential of another lovely day tomorrow.

7/26/11     The path of being true to yourself is not straight, w/out corners & bumps in the road. It has mountains, valleys, rain, sleet, tornadoes & hurricanes, but it also has sunshine, warm breezes, morning dew, blues skies,meandering streams, etc. You can walk this path backward, doing cartwheels, crawling, running, skipping, dragging, it doesn’t matter because it’s all about staying on YOUR path, not about how you walk it.

7/26/11     Even though our children are in heaven, we must continue to live, not just exist, but to actually find meaning and light once again. We must strive and push, claw and demand our way back from the ashes to create a new life, even though all we want is the old one. (miss you son)

7/26/11     Finding myself:   In three years, I lost my son (so that life ended) my marriage of 36 years (so that life ended) my other kids were old enough and moved out of the house (that life ended) my job of 25 years, my home which I designed and built, and my dad and step-dad. Everything that I identified with for most of my life ended. I don’t even know who I am anymore….. but you know, whoever I am I like myself more than I ever have in my life because I’ve molded myself from the ashes… I don’t have anything negative around me anymore. I’m free…..

7/27/11      I am the keeper and owner of my existence therefore I would rather mold my life to accomodate what I can handle, than to numb my mind to accomodate a life that I need to change. Cherish your life in all ways.

7/29/11     I wrote: “I am the keeper and owner of my existence therefore I’d rather mold my life to accomodate what I can handle, than to numb my mind to accomodate a life that I need to change.” I’d add that we have little or no control over many things (like in my case the loss of a child or a devastating divorce) but our power remains to change our world (if only from within) to accomodate what we can handle.

7/29/11     Regardless of the pain,oftentimes we are better off alone when trying to process loss and hurt. This gives us the space we need to think & learn & grow from what has happened & become stronger & more resilient in the process. Some of us, understandably so, are so focused on easing the pain they spend very little time alone,sadly foregoing the spiritual and emotional growth which can be gained from the experience.

8/1/11     As heartbreaking as it is to imagine and accept, the life we had while our children were alive is gone.  Grieve the life, the loss of ourselves and our children, but also know that somewhere deep inside all of us is a stubborn, tenacious desire to survive and to live; otherwise we (absolutely including myself here too) would take our own lives.  There is a reason why we don’t and it is in all of us, whether or not we have other children or grandchildren, regardless of religion, regardless of how strong the desire is to die…we don’t.  You see, we have a hardwired, biological survival instinct that keeps us from taking our own life (although illness may interfere with this instinct).  If the instinct keeps us alive (and most of us will live out our lives till we are called home naturally)…..at some point it really comes down to choosing how we will live out the rest of our lives.   We carry the loss throughout our lives, but there will be joy and love once again if we allow it to come back into our lives.   I never could have written this three years ago when I lost my son……..i wanted only to die and go and be with him.  I am learning how to live again though.  I say this just to show that there is hope for peace in your life, even while carrying this devastating loss.     

8/3/11         Life always has it’s own plan for us, & we’re really just along for the ride. “Ha ha,” life says, “I’m changing things whenever I feel like it. Hold on, quick corner coming up. A oh, sorry I know it looked like we were turning right, but we’re turning left instead. Oh well, sorry ’bout that. Hang on and roll with it, baby.”

8/4/11        My son’s 3 yr anniversary is coming up on Sunday. I have been thinking so much about his accident and having lots of Post Traumatic Stress. I keep seeing images of his car accident over and over again and of the car hitting the tree and it catches me off guard and I lose my breath.  I also usually see me grieving upon learning the horrible news, slumped over, legs buckled, sobbing so hard I couldn’t breath.  Well, I had a wonderful image come into my mind recently.  It was of me grieving three years ago…yes, slumped over, legs buckled, unable to stop crying but this time I saw my son in all his angelic form with wings leaning over me and supporting me, arms wrapped around me…holding me up so I didn’t completely slip away and die. Now I have this “image” cemented in my brain as if it is real and as it gets closer to Sunday, I will have this gift from my son to remind me why I am still here at all.

8/5/11       I will die again on Sunday at 5:15 pm……this will be the third anniversary of mine and my son’s death.  Yes, we both died that day.  The positive person left behind to walk my life in between the holidays and anniversaries and birthdays doesn’t even resemble this person who is presently awaiting a disasterous car accident…..this person who is begging life to please change the outcome and tell my son to just come home….please.  don’t let him die again, and again, and again…over and over again

8/7/11        If you asked me 20 years ago, “How did you know that, Sharen?” I would have smiled, winked & said, “I know everything.” Imagine, it took me 30 years to think I knew everything & then another 20 years to learn that I don’t. How the heck did I go from knowing “everything” to knowing “nothing”? Mmmmm, a smart person who knows nothing……that would be me

8/7/11     Trust yourself: be an open book and the pages will write themselves

8/8/11      In my quiet times, when my mind is still, I will choose to dwell where the light shines brightest. In my dark turbulant times, when I am rocked and tossed about, when nothing is quiet and nothing is still, my resolve weak, the brightest light still dwells in me.

8/8/11      Awareness always transcends conscious thought, so stop thinking about transcending conscious thought; just close your eyes, silly….you’re already there.    PeLoJo (peace, love, joy)

8/15/11     Wishing that you will find peace in what or where ever your journey leads you …but remember to bring peace to that journey too by walking your path confidently (don’t take things too personally).  Know your truth and show the world who you are in how you live your life.  Your actions will define you.

8/19/11    It is difficult for me to trust someone’s sincerity when they “beg” for forgiveness after they get caught or when they are prompted to do so for some reason outside of themselves. I think true integrity occurs when people are prompted from within to confess and apologize.

8/20/11     Although we are shaped and influenced by what happens to us, we are not defined or imprisoned or freed by it………period.  We are so much more than what the world can do to us or give us or take away.  Choose to think big thoughts because narrow minded thinking will only get you narrow minded results (unless of course you are happy with narrow minded results, then more power to you.)  

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Why I’m Still Here

Can’t sleep…thinking about my son and the car accident that took his life.  It will be three years ago on Sunday since I lost my son. I have been thinking so much about his accident and having lots of PTS. I keep seeing the accident, replaying over and over again, and it catches me off guard and I loose my breath and shake and cry……..the other day the images were particularily vivid and real.  I saw myself grieving over the news of his accident…….slumped over, legs buckled, unable to stop crying and just wanting to die and be with my son. It’s not unusual for me to see myself crying over the accident, but this time I saw my son in all his angelic form with wings leaning over me and supporting me, arms wrapped around me…holding me up so I didn’t completely slip away and die. My tears running down on his arms.  Now I have this “image” cemented in my brain as if it is real and as it gets closer to Sunday, I will have this gift from my son to remind me  that his love and support are actually why I am still here at all and to show me that I’m never really alone.

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Moving the furniture

Dear Father,
I am feeling very insecure and sad about moving.  This house is so much smaller and I miss seeing the ocean out of my window.  I feel claustrophobic here in the 750 sq. ft. of space.  I miss my kids right now and hope they will come to visit soon.  My brother Freddie, his two boys, and my nephew came over yesterday and helped me move the bigger pieces of furniture.  These were some bureaus and a hutch and my refridgerator.  I was worried that I was going to have to leave them behind because I didn’t know how to get them to the new house (I don’t have the money to hire movers).  I was very happy and relieved to have these pieces of furniture brought here because I bought them just before my son died and they were delivered the day after he died to my big house.  I remember the movers arriving on the morning of August 8th, 2008.  The poor delivery guy knocked on my door, I opened it and he said “Good morning Mam, we are here to deliver your furniture.”  I looked at him, surprised and said, “Um…..well…..okay, I guess.  I’m sorry, my son died in a car accident last night.”  The poor guy looked like someone punched him in the stomach.  They delivered the furniture that day and it showed me how life just goes on the same way after someone dies. 

My son was so excited about me buying the new furniture.  He’d known how difficult the past couple of years had been for me and he was excited to see me have something new.  But now he was gone and he wasn’t there to enjoy the new furniture with me.  It took all the fun out of having it, even though it still holds such sentimental meaning for me.  So, that is why I got choked up after my brother was able to get the furniture here to the new house.  My brother got a little choked up too because he remembers when they delivered the furniture too.  He was at my house that day, the day after my son (his nephew) died.

I will have a new beginning here at this house, Father.  I am grateful to you for my mental and physical strength.  I pray for patience today and please help me to keep focused on the moment, not the past or the future.  The birds woke me up at 4:15 am and the cat cried all night to go out.  Those are my only complaints.     

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Starting over……again

Dear Father,
I am moving today for the 7th time in 6 years.  I am nervous and sad to leave my house and move to this new place where I don’t know anyone.  Yesterday, I went and took my dog and cat and brought them to this new house, but first I drove to the cemetary where my son, Carmen, is buried (it is 2 minutes from my old house) and let my dog say good-bye to Carmen.  Carmen loved this dog and used to sleep with him.  This will be the last time the dog will be near the cemetary. The dog and the cat are both wide awake now at 3 am.  I know they are trying to figure out what the heck is going on.  

The first time I moved was a month after my husband of 28 years choked me in Oct. 2004.  I moved into one of our apartments.  Then I had to move into another one because that apartment needed too many repairs.  I repaired the apartment and moved back into it three months later, but I also filed for a legal separation from my husband.  Then after listening and trusting his many reconcilitiry promises, we got back together.  I dropped the separation.  Then in July 2005 he came to my apartment and beat and raped me.  I got a restraining order and he was indicted by a grand jury on 6 counts of rape and assault.  Filed for divorce and moved into a smaller apartment.  His attorney got a court ordrer to freeze our bank account, which cut me off from our savings.  I moved into a studio apartment.  I relinquished more and more of my belongings each time I moved.  Our divorce was final on February 14, 2006.  I got a bank loan and built a home of my own.  The bank loaned me money even though I did not have a job (my job for 28 years was in a family business with my husband).  My new home was 3000 sq. ft.  I am moving into this smaller house because I can not afford the mortgage payments on the house I built four years ago.  This house is only 800 sq. ft., but it has a big yard.  My unemployment ran out, too, and there aren’t any teaching jobs around.  I’ll probably get a job in a department store.

I feel like I am starting over……again.  And I am relinquishing yet another batch of belongings which I do not have room for in this new house.  I hope this is the last time I have to move, Father.  I hope I get to stay here and make this house my home.  The transition from being married to single (and an empty nester) has been such a difficult one for me.  I’ve struggled to create a new identity for myself, all the while feeling insecure because I’ve lacked a stable place to call home or the family and job I had for so many years. 

Please Father, I pray that you bless this move which I am about the make.  Grant that I may rest in the knowledge that this is will be my final move…..unless of course I move onto bigger and better things.  Then, I would surely welcome another move.             Starting Over   

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Life Goes On

Dear Father,
So…what has changed for me since Sunday when I was in your divine presence?  Nothing.  My life is just the same as it always is.  This is what always happens.  I am the recipient of a life-changing, spiritual incident and then my life goes on exactly as it did before.  It’s weird.  But then again, maybe it’s just because I am not in the same time mode as you.  I mean, I am in a human time mode and you are on an infinity mode.  If I step back from my own human existence I see that last Sunday and today (Wednesday) are basically in the same time frame.  I bet my human life is just an inkling of time going by so what seems to be taking a long time in my mind is not even a blip in infinity.  I bet that whatever happened on Sunday is just more of the same of me getting a glimpse of the spirit realm, this has been happening since I can remember.  It shouldn’t be anything special because in reality I “should” be able to live and comprehend both worlds.  My physical presence is kind of just a pain in the neck to my spirit, which resides always with you.  I always hear you and know you are there, but the humanness of me is emotional and forgets to step back and see the bigger picture about my life.  I pray for patience, Father, and for clarity and peacefulness.

I am in the process of renovating  a house which I am planning on moving into.  It will be a peaceful house, and I will live my life dedicated to honoring you, Father.  I will not allow bad spirits or negative, doubtful, energy to enter this domain.  If I do, then I do not deserve to live here because I know that this house has been waiting for me to arrive and begin living this life.  I will be grateful for this home, and I will show my gratefulness by living a life of integrity and peace, compassion and love, simplicity and grace, kindness and joy, etc.   

I need to finish painting today.  But also Terminex will be here soon (I still have a problem with carpenter ants) and Sears is bringing my new washer this afternoon.  I think I’ll bring my pets here later on.  It is time for them to come and live here with me and to share this new house with me.                      

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

The Affirmation

Dear Father,
My life changed tonight .  I went to see a lady give a seminar about talking to you because my friend, Joe, the musician was playing at the seminar and he invited me.  I was tired, feeling kind of crappy and really didn’t feel like it, but he asked me to and I told him I would.  Funny that the first thing she talked about was that we are never alone.  Funny to me because I was just saying to myself while I was getting dressed to go that I hate being alone and that I miss being in a relationship.  This “being alone” stuff gets me down sometimes because I just can’t understand why I am still alone.  I’m starting to feel like there must be something wrong with me.   Maybe I’m not pretty enough or smart enough or young enough or loveable enough for someone to want to be with me.  I mean I was married for like 30 years so it’s really hard for me to grasp the fact that I must learn to be okay on my own.  And for the most part, I am.  I am actually a lot more ok with being alone now than I first was after the divorce.  But still, I wonder why.  As if there must be a fault of mine why I am alone.  I think maybe however, that  you want me to be alone so I can be free of distraction so then I can hear your voice.  I think maybe that’s what has happend the past five years.  All my distraction is gone.  My husband and marriage, little Carmen, my surviving children are grown and off on their own, my money and investments and good credit, my health, my relationships, my job.  It’s all gone.  I don’t even have cable.  All the noise in my life is gone, and I’ve had to accept and let all of it go, too.  I know I allowed all these things to happen because somewhere inside of me I knew that I needed to be free in order to be able to hear you, Father.  

So, tonight I went to see this lady, even though I feel like I already can talk to you.  What changed tonight wasn’t the communication, it was the visual I got.  I saw you in my mind’s eye.  I am still trembling and completely overwhelmed by what I saw.  She told us to close our eyes and to remove all distractions and to think about you.  Well, I don’t have much distraction anymore…no job, no family, no money, no close friends, no addictions….so I am more open to connecting with you.  It was unbelieveable, what happened.    I relaxed and thought about you like I always do and let myself be completely free.  My spirit was free but I wasn’t asleep.  Then I saw a light.  It was like an explosion light but in slow motion.  Then I started to see images of faces of all these different people who I don’t know.  Then up in the top of my mind’s eye I knew you were there.  It was like a solar light burning but it wasn’t hot.  It’s weird, it was like the sun but I was right near it next to it surrounded by it.  Then I asked “Am I good enough?” and you said answered me, “You always were.”  Then I asked, “Am I loveable enough?” and you answered, “Yes, I love you.”  Then I asked, “What do you want me to know?”  and you answered, “You are not alone.  I am always with you.” 

Father, I am overwhelmed by the light of you and of being in your presence and of acquring an understanding that I’ve never known.  Everything makes perfect sense to me now.  I have been afraid of meeting you my whole life because it scared me because I didn’t think I was good enough.  But tonight, I put my fear away and I soared to where you are and I met you finally in person after all these years of mine.  There you were right in front of me telling me that you loved me and that I’ve always been good enough.  I’ve hidden myself away because I was afraid of your light.  I still don’t know what it means….maybe it doesn’t even “mean” anything (I try to analyze every single thing).  I wondered on my drive home why?  why am I able to see you?  who am I to see you?  what’s wrong with me?  what kind of person sees God?  I’m trying to accept that it’s really me, that I really am worthy to see you.

Then on the drive home I was filled with so much internal talk, talk, talk.  My own and yours.  I asked more questions and the answers came quickly and with authority.  I am worthy to see you.  I asked, “But what should I do now.” and  “What do I need to do?” and “I have to do something about this.”  and as I scrambled in my mind to make sense out of it, I realized I was running away from what happened, trying to create distraction instead of just listening and you said, “You don’t need to to anything.  Let me.  Let me do what I need to do.  I will take care of you if you will trust me.  But you need to trust me.”  My heart belongs to you Father.  Now, I know exactly where my son is and this has eased my mind beyond compare.  I knew I would make my way to the light.  I knew it.  I guess I just needed to be reminded of how to get there.   This is the only home I’ve ever wanted or needed, Father.  I am completely free to do your will, finally, and your light will shine from me.  I am home.     

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Silent Mode

I wrote a song about domestic violence two years ago.  I do not talk much about how my life was affected by domestic violence because first of all, I know I made choices and second, I have broken the cycle and I do not want it to define my new life.  However, I am bringing it up today because of an email I received this morning from a lady who found my song on YouTube.  I need to share the email and a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YqXwVM_frg  to my song in the hope that someone (be they man, woman, or child) being abused may find comfort and hope.  The email is from Gail Amend and she gave me permission to quote her and to use her name.     

” Good Morning Sharen,

For many years I have tried to find a song that fits me and a few days ago I was on youtube and found “I Wont Cry” and fell in love with it. I have a hard time writing about myself and I find it hard to write anything about me, in the “about me” block on facebook without going into all the drama and detail. So to sum it up, I just simply put your song on my “about me” block. I hope you don’t mind.

I am still in “silent” mode from what happened, but have all the intentions of one day being able to speak.

Gail .”

It takes an incredible amount of courage to put your name out there for all the world to see when you’re feeling beaten and abused.  Peace to you, Gail, my new friend and sister.

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Speaking my truth

I haven’t spoken much on the topic of domestic violence and abuse but I am today.  Here is what I wrote in my journal the day after I recorded my song, I Won’t Cry, about domestic violence:

“I was so proud of myself when I left the recording studio yesterday.  I couldn’t wait to get home and share the new song with everyone.  I was a nervous wreck the whole week leading up to the recording, filled with my ex’s voice saying, like he always did, “Oh, Sharen, come on, it wasn’t that bad.  You know I love you.  Come on back to bed.  Don’t worry.  I’ll make it all better.  Don’t tell anyone, Sharen.  Don’t listen to your own mind, listen to me, I’m the only friend you really have.  I would never really hurt you, Bellezza.  Trust me.”   I also kept having flashbacks (which I thought were real) of him punching me and slapping me and spitting on me, and of course, vivid nightmares about the rape two years ago.  I was also reminded of the humiliated, defeated, unprotected, hopeless, scared and trapped way I used to feel. 

As I was feeling all of this all over again, I saw inside of my mind something I’d thought was put to rest.  I started to remember that little girl in me.  Remember I told you I had her inside of me, like an image, and she carries all of these bad feelings and all the hurt and all the humiliation.  She sits in a corner in my mind, all broken and battered, carrying all that so it’s not incorporated in me (this was definitely a survival technique I must have created growing up).  So, I haven’t felt this other me in at least a couple of years.  (I haven’t needed her… I’m not being abused anymore.  Dad’s dead and I’m not with the ex.)  Then sure as day, just as the anxiety and flashbacks started, there she was again, helping me by absorbing all the nastiness, and I felt so bad for her (even though I know it’s really me).  She sat in the lonely corner of my mind (I could see her with my mind’s eye), shaking and afraid, and these were only flashbacks!   “Okay, damn it,” I said to myself.  “I am going to stick up for you and not turn back and not let my fear keep you in that corner.”  I will publicly acknowledge all that you’ve gone through, especially since the abusers have never acknowledged their own guilt.  I thought, “where is the justice for her?”  She is still paying the price.  I feel like a loser inside because I caved in about not following through in court about the rape.  I didn’t finish what I started.  And that little girl is still suffering inside. 

I wrote the song over a year ago.  It sat on a shelf while I produced my cd for little Carmen but I knew that someday I would go ahead and push through the fear and get it recorded.  When I finished Carmen’s album (which actually took the focus off of my other issues) that song kept coming back into my head.  I couldn’t shake it.  I knew I had to go ahead and get it done.   Right now is the right time more than at any other time in my life because I’m FINALLY physically in a safe place.  Dad and my ex have always been watching over my shoulder, until now.    

       So, it was with tremendous fear that I drove to the studio that day.  I was scared of Carmen killing me and the reaction of my family.  All could hear was the ex saying (and I could actually hear his voice in my head) , “Sharen, go home.  Just forget about it.  It’s not good to tell.  You’re going to get in trouble.”  Then I remembered what little Carmen said to me with a defeated, intense disappointment toward me, he said, “Mom, you should have sent him to jail.  Why didn’t you send him to jail?”  Also, but in the tiniest whisper, I could see her (my image), looking up at me from her corner and saying, “Really?  You’re really going to do this for me?”  She honestly looks like an abused little girl in my mind.  How could I not stand up for her?  I love kids.    

                With all this going on in my head, I still drove there by myself and made the recording and the video of me singing it.  The message of the song is about me being strong.  It’s not about my ex or my father, even though they are part of the song.  I wrote it to illustrate the progression and pattern of abuse that happens to a lot of women, like it did to me.  It’s not a “oh, feel bad for me” song at all, it’s about being strong.  I sing it for me and for anyone being abused.  While I recorded it, I started to feel so strong, finally empowered in a different way than ever before.  You see, now that it’s public, there’s no going back now to my ex or my father’s voice saying, “Oh, that never really happened.”  This song is a testament to the truth, for me, and for millions of other abused people out there.  But and this is most important, it’s for the little girl in me who waited a lifetime to have someone stand up for her. 

                I left the studio feeling like a new person.  I went home and watched the video and saw the look of determination on my face and I cried because I knew what it took me for me go ahead and record the song.  I have finally found a wonderfully supportive venue  in songwriter and singing where I can connect spiritually with lots of other people who I can relate to and who can relate to me.  I can share my story about losing my son and now share the truth about the abuse and not feel ashamed or afraid.  I pray that others will find peace, loving light, and courage in their journey.      

I WON’T CRY (my domestic violence song on YouTube)

Purchase this song on iTunes

Please share your story with me.  I would LOVE to hear from You.

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Divorce & Life After Your Forever After Ends

                                                               

I first met my ex-husband when I was 14 years old, October 19, 1974.  We were married about four years later on March 19, 1978.  The marriage endured for 28 years, but ended in divorce on February 14, 2006 (yes, Valentine’s Day).   What happens when your life with a life-long partner comes to an abrupt end?  How do you pick yourself up and build a new life?  How will you find the strength to go on?  How do you say good-bye with your heart?  Will it ever get easier?  These were just a few of the questions that haunted me after my divorce. 

My relationship with my ex-husband was a roller-coaster ride from the get-go, forged with a lifetime of chaos, drama, tears, laughter, loving, frustration, arguing, attraction, intimacy, hurt, etc; but we were two strong souls, committed to each other, our marriage, and our children.  Our lives were intricately woven together with very little distinction as two separate individuals.  We were one, wrapped up in a relationship that took decades to mold.  We relied on each other, and so did everyone else around us, including family and friends.  We made a life, which included raising four children and running a successful business together for 25 years.  We were supposed to be together forever, but I guess sometimes forever isn’t really as long as, well…..forever.  

The 5 year anniversary of my divorce just passed on February 14, 2011.  I wish I could say that the divorce was amicable and peaceful but it wasn’t, in fact, it was probably one of the worst divorces ever!  I could probably write a book titled “Everything NOT To Do When You Get Divorced” and make a million dollars, that’s how bad it was.  I had no idea “how” to get divorced and was basically just going through the motions.  On top of all that I hadn’t stopped loving my husband and could not imagine living my life without him.  Fear was my constant companion, as well as prayers and tears (oh yes, lots and lots of tears).   My heart was utterly and completely shattered in a way that is difficult to describe, I guess “grief-stricken” would be the correct word.  The physical pain of not being around him was so excruciating I liken it to withdrawing from heroin or something (although I’ve never gone through drug withdrawal).   Besides the despair and grief I felt, I also had to get used to sleeping alone at night after sleeping with someone for over 28 years.  I also had to get used to waking up alone and starting the day without anyone asking if I was okay.  No more phone calls throughout the day.  His voice was gone.  I was completely alone, feeling abandoned by my friends, family, and children. 

My finances and the lifestyle I’d worked so hard to build also came to an abrupt end.  I wasn’t living in my home anymore, just an apartment.  I had no income, alimony or child support.  The job I’d had for 25 years in our family business was gone.   There was no cash to split in the divorce, just a few pieces of real estate we’d worked hard to acquire in our 28 years together.  I got those (and the bills that came with them) while he kept the business and our marital home (and the bills that went with those).  The day after my divorce I went to my banker and remortgaged my properties for the down payment to begin building a new home of my own.  I moved into my new house less than seven months later.  This was a home my ex-husband and I were supposed to build together, one we’d planned for, and even though I was on my own now I decided to follow through with the plan anyway.  I look back and think of why I did this, and I understand my motives.  I ask myself would I have done things differently if I knew what I know now, the answer is……probably not.  First of all, this was a dream house that my ex and I were planning on building before the marriage fell apart.  Secondly, I subconsciously thought that maybe, just maybe if I hurried up and built the house everything would go back the way it was “supposed” to be.  Thirdly, I also thought that the economy would hold up and if my finances got bad I could just sell the house and make a profit.  Lastly, I thought my kids would move in with me if I had a nice, new, big house for them to live in instead of the apartment I was living in at the time.  Sadly, none of these reasons ever came true.  But, I still own and live in my house, even though the bills and the mortgage are sky high.  There is one shining reason why I would still build this house today though, and it is because I am proud of myself for having accomplished this on my own.  I set my mind to the task, didn’t let fear rule me, and I went ahead and was even the contractor for the project.  I did it all by myself, and to be perfectly honest, it was a lot easier only having to answer to myself.  Although, I admit I definitely missed having someone around to trust, to talk to, and to share ideas with.  Sure, I was afraid every day, but I did it anyway. 

Regarding my finances, well, this has been an ongoing struggle for me on my own.  I was a stay- at- home mom running a family business out of my house for 28 years.  In the divorce, my ex-husband didn’t want to pay alimony, and I would have had to argue with him for it, which I didn’t have the strength to do so I didn’t press him on that.  Thankfully, all the years of juggling finances in my marriage and our business taught me the skills to manage on my own.  I will say I’m more at ease and able to accept the ups and downs of this struggle than I was five years ago.  I just continue on like I always have, plodding along one foot in front of the other.  I strive, hope, and pray each day that I’m able to hang on financially for just another 6 months, but I can’t project long term.  I don’t have a financial plan for my future anymore like I did for all the years I was married because losing my job in our family business and the downturn in the housing market has taken away any security I had.  I used to worry and cry about it a lot after my divorce, but now I’m resigned to the fact that I can only hope to get through each new day, one day at a time.  I can’t worry about not having a plan anymore.  I don’t have any Social Security either because I worked all those years in the family business without taking a paycheck.  I have to accept this and relinquish my worry to faith. 

There really isn’t much to share as far as the dating scene goes.  The last time I was single I was 17 years old, and then even before that, before I started dating my ex in high school, that would be when I was 13 years old!  I haven’t dated much since my divorce, even though I’ve made lots of friends, male and female.  Now, and I can only speak from my perspective, but the singles scene is nothing like what I thought it would be like when I was married.  I naively assumed that there would be plenty of eligible single, healthy men my age available for a committed relationship.  Wrong.  Of the men my age I meet, most either drink too much, smoke too much, gamble too much, work too much, don’t work enough, are still raising young children, are not divorced yet, are looking for a gal a lot younger than I am,  are way too old for me, way too young for me, are overweight, underweight, not in shape, not looking to commit, and number #1…..only looking for a “casual” relationship (if you know what I mean).   It’s hard to know who to trust and unless you have a huge network to tap into, it’s slim pickins’ as far as dating goes.  The reality is that even after five years of being divorced, I am still single.  I’ll admit this is a disappointment to me.  Part of the problem I know is that it’s been a lot harder to detach emotionally from my ex than I thought it would be.  He was my “first and only” in so many ways.  I see now, and I wish I knew then, that detaching in my heart from being his “wife” was going to take years.  I hope one day to meet someone and open my heart just enough to fall in love again, but as the years creep on by I have learned to accept the fact that maybe that won’t happen, but the thought of this probability does not fill me with anxiety the way it used to. 

A down side to not being in a relationship is the fact that I am minus the intimacy and physical contact I knew for more than 30 years.  Not just in the most intimate way of “being” with someone (which I miss) but my life also lacks the simple element of touch, which includes little things like holding hands, hugging, reaching out and touching someone’s face or arm, having a shoulder to rest my head on, having arms around me sometimes when I’m washing dishes, having someone to slow dance with, and of being close enough physically to look deep into someone’s eyes, not only to see their eyes, but  to know and completely trust the person who is looking back.

All the while, and through all the negative and difficult things I’ve had to adjust to in the five years since my divorce (which sadly also includes the tragic loss of my 20 year old son in a car accident, the death of my father, my step-father, and my dog) a part of me has been and continues to be moving forward.  I’ve been taking baby steps all along, so small I’ve not really paid much attention until right now while I’m writing this essay.  There were some days when the only step forward I had the strength to take was simply getting out of bed (and honestly, sometimes I didn’t stay out of bed very long). This is the part of me that never gives up or gives in, never sits around feeling sorry for myself, and always has hope that tomorrow will be better than today.  I have a life now that does not resemble anything of the life I had while I was married, except for the fact that my integrity is intact, and also that I still don’t smoke or drink alcohol or take drugs.  This new life I’ve created is overflowing with a fullness and sense of vibrancy which is unlike anything I’ve ever known.  

Back five years ago, going through my divorce, I thought my life was over….really.  I could not imagine my life without my husband.  I’d been “his” for ¾ of my life, and I had no experience or memory of being in the adult world without him.  I had no idea what to expect, and I was terrified and alone.  I didn’t even have a routine I could continue to follow because I’d lost my job, my income, my home, my marriage, and my kids (they were old enough to decide and they decided to stay with their father) all at the same time.  The only thing I could rely on in my life was the absolute knowledge that I would absolutely get out of bed every day even if it killed me, and I guess I built my new life from that small piece of truth and stability.

My life finally has order and a sense of peacefulness.  I have charted a new career as a singer/songwriter and connected with thousands of new people through Facebook, You Tube and my website, www.sharenwendy.com  none of which would have happened if I were still married.  I have been on a quest to fill the emptiness I feel by finding and connecting with people who I can relate to and who can relate to me, especially since my son has died.  Part of my first name is the word “share” and that is exactly what I am doing.  I am now free to express myself in any way I choose, from the way I dress to the songs I write.  However, this freedom is about more than being able to wear what I want or write whatever I want; no, it’s much more powerful than that.  It’s something I feel in my soul and down to the core of who I am.  It’s about being free to live an authentic life, which means being free to be who I always dreamed I could be.  I am making my own dreams come true, something which was next to impossible when I was taking care of a husband, children, and a business.  I wrote a song last year called Free and Clear which describes this inspiring, fulfilling freedom I have now.  Even though I still have days when I am sad and reminisce and long for the life I had and the comfort of being “someone’s” wife, the reality is that I’m not even the same person who lived in the life I miss.  I’ve grown and blossomed into this new person or better yet into the person I was always meant to be. 

FREE and CLEAR

By: Sharen Wendy Robertson

 

I couldn’t get to the place, that I always dreamed about,

Because my mind, was haunted with so much doubt.

Then one day I looked to see, the child inside of me,

Waiting for a chance to fly, into who I always dreamed I’d be.

Now I’m standing, standing free and clear,

Step to better days, with truth to light my way.

Mmmm, mmmm, standing, standing free and clear,

Move to higher ground, with peace I’ve finally found.

With one small step I stood and walked,

Turned my back away from fear,

Truth poured from my soul, held back for many years.

And then the clouds all went away, the sun warmed the sky,

I walked through my fear, and then stood tall, free and clear.

Now I’m standing, standing free and clear,

Step to better days, with truth to light my way.

Mmmm, mmmm, standing, standing free and clear,

Move to higher ground, with peace I’ve finally found.

An original song written and performed by Sharen Wendy Robertson

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.