Category Archives: Journal to God

Finding meaning again

I have learned that there is a difference between being grateful in one’s life (which is to recognise and appreciate value) and finding meaning & having a purpose. You can be grateful for anythng (your children, your job, your relationships, nature, etc) but it doesn’t nesessarily mean that your life has a purpose or a value. We create meaning and purpose in our lives to make us feel valuable. Take away meaning and purpose and all you’re left with is gratefulness.

For me, everything that once gave my life meaning and purpose are gone.  Do not, even for a minute, think this post is an exercise in self-pity.  I do not feel sorry for myself in the least nor do I crave sympathy.  I accept life, with all it’s ups and downs.  However, my life has changed dramatically in the past 5 yrs, which is why I am now contemplating what my new life will hold.  I am sure your life is full of changes too, and maybe you will be able to relate to the changes I have experienced.         

Yes, I am still grateful for all that I have and hopeful about my future, but my life lacks the meaning and purpose it had over the course of a lifetime (maybe this is true for you as well).  My siblings are all grown, my 36 yr relationship with my husband is over, my children are all grown and off on their own, I lost the job I had for 25 yrs, the business which I’d worked hard to build for 15 yrs is gone, my fianancial security (past, present and future) is gone, the things I owned are gone, and I buried my youngest son and my father.  These are all the things which I had built decades of my life around.  The relationships were the meaning and purpose in my life.  Now those relatiosnhips either do not exist anymore or they have changed dramatically.  I am struggling to find meaning in this new life I have, one which does not need me as devoted mother, wife, teacher, entrepreneur, nurturer and caretaker.  I’m not sure how to redefine my identity and I am not sure if I can.  These roles I took on in my life were not completely ones I’d chosen (for example, I was born the oldest girl in my family, and I was pregnant when I got married at 18).  I did not have to work to create meaning in my life, it was handed to me and I cherished my roles.  There were responsibilities which shaped and molded my life.  Now these responsibilities are over.  For the first time in my life I am not responsible to anyone or anything or for anyone or anything.   

I hope that there is a more fulfilling, meaningful life on the horizon for me, just docked and waiting like a ship ready to sail.  I can not imagine what cargo this ship will carry.  I do not know when or where it is docked but I feel that it waits for me, just as a ship waits for all of us.  I hope and I pray that my eyes, my mind, and my soul are open to all that life has in store for me.  Of course, I will work hard to create a life I enjoy, but a big part of what I enjoy about life is the unexpected and the instability of it all.  I mean, we can chart our course, but the ocean of life creates unpredictable storms and waves.  Cherish and savor life, with all it’s unexpected twists and turns, for they challenge us in ways we could never plan and they create meaning and purpose in unique ways.  I think I am learning my greatest lesson right now, which is to be patient and be still and allow life to unfold, and bring with it a natural churning of meaningful energy.  The meaning and purpose will be revealed.   

And on that last thought I will put down my philosophers pen and pick up my paint brush, for the garage door is waiting for a coat of paint.                            

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Moving the furniture

Dear Father,
I am feeling very insecure and sad about moving.  This house is so much smaller and I miss seeing the ocean out of my window.  I feel claustrophobic here in the 750 sq. ft. of space.  I miss my kids right now and hope they will come to visit soon.  My brother Freddie, his two boys, and my nephew came over yesterday and helped me move the bigger pieces of furniture.  These were some bureaus and a hutch and my refridgerator.  I was worried that I was going to have to leave them behind because I didn’t know how to get them to the new house (I don’t have the money to hire movers).  I was very happy and relieved to have these pieces of furniture brought here because I bought them just before my son died and they were delivered the day after he died to my big house.  I remember the movers arriving on the morning of August 8th, 2008.  The poor delivery guy knocked on my door, I opened it and he said “Good morning Mam, we are here to deliver your furniture.”  I looked at him, surprised and said, “Um…..well…..okay, I guess.  I’m sorry, my son died in a car accident last night.”  The poor guy looked like someone punched him in the stomach.  They delivered the furniture that day and it showed me how life just goes on the same way after someone dies. 

My son was so excited about me buying the new furniture.  He’d known how difficult the past couple of years had been for me and he was excited to see me have something new.  But now he was gone and he wasn’t there to enjoy the new furniture with me.  It took all the fun out of having it, even though it still holds such sentimental meaning for me.  So, that is why I got choked up after my brother was able to get the furniture here to the new house.  My brother got a little choked up too because he remembers when they delivered the furniture too.  He was at my house that day, the day after my son (his nephew) died.

I will have a new beginning here at this house, Father.  I am grateful to you for my mental and physical strength.  I pray for patience today and please help me to keep focused on the moment, not the past or the future.  The birds woke me up at 4:15 am and the cat cried all night to go out.  Those are my only complaints.     

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Starting over……again

Dear Father,
I am moving today for the 7th time in 6 years.  I am nervous and sad to leave my house and move to this new place where I don’t know anyone.  Yesterday, I went and took my dog and cat and brought them to this new house, but first I drove to the cemetary where my son, Carmen, is buried (it is 2 minutes from my old house) and let my dog say good-bye to Carmen.  Carmen loved this dog and used to sleep with him.  This will be the last time the dog will be near the cemetary. The dog and the cat are both wide awake now at 3 am.  I know they are trying to figure out what the heck is going on.  

The first time I moved was a month after my husband of 28 years choked me in Oct. 2004.  I moved into one of our apartments.  Then I had to move into another one because that apartment needed too many repairs.  I repaired the apartment and moved back into it three months later, but I also filed for a legal separation from my husband.  Then after listening and trusting his many reconcilitiry promises, we got back together.  I dropped the separation.  Then in July 2005 he came to my apartment and beat and raped me.  I got a restraining order and he was indicted by a grand jury on 6 counts of rape and assault.  Filed for divorce and moved into a smaller apartment.  His attorney got a court ordrer to freeze our bank account, which cut me off from our savings.  I moved into a studio apartment.  I relinquished more and more of my belongings each time I moved.  Our divorce was final on February 14, 2006.  I got a bank loan and built a home of my own.  The bank loaned me money even though I did not have a job (my job for 28 years was in a family business with my husband).  My new home was 3000 sq. ft.  I am moving into this smaller house because I can not afford the mortgage payments on the house I built four years ago.  This house is only 800 sq. ft., but it has a big yard.  My unemployment ran out, too, and there aren’t any teaching jobs around.  I’ll probably get a job in a department store.

I feel like I am starting over……again.  And I am relinquishing yet another batch of belongings which I do not have room for in this new house.  I hope this is the last time I have to move, Father.  I hope I get to stay here and make this house my home.  The transition from being married to single (and an empty nester) has been such a difficult one for me.  I’ve struggled to create a new identity for myself, all the while feeling insecure because I’ve lacked a stable place to call home or the family and job I had for so many years. 

Please Father, I pray that you bless this move which I am about the make.  Grant that I may rest in the knowledge that this is will be my final move…..unless of course I move onto bigger and better things.  Then, I would surely welcome another move.             Starting Over   

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Life Goes On

Dear Father,
So…what has changed for me since Sunday when I was in your divine presence?  Nothing.  My life is just the same as it always is.  This is what always happens.  I am the recipient of a life-changing, spiritual incident and then my life goes on exactly as it did before.  It’s weird.  But then again, maybe it’s just because I am not in the same time mode as you.  I mean, I am in a human time mode and you are on an infinity mode.  If I step back from my own human existence I see that last Sunday and today (Wednesday) are basically in the same time frame.  I bet my human life is just an inkling of time going by so what seems to be taking a long time in my mind is not even a blip in infinity.  I bet that whatever happened on Sunday is just more of the same of me getting a glimpse of the spirit realm, this has been happening since I can remember.  It shouldn’t be anything special because in reality I “should” be able to live and comprehend both worlds.  My physical presence is kind of just a pain in the neck to my spirit, which resides always with you.  I always hear you and know you are there, but the humanness of me is emotional and forgets to step back and see the bigger picture about my life.  I pray for patience, Father, and for clarity and peacefulness.

I am in the process of renovating  a house which I am planning on moving into.  It will be a peaceful house, and I will live my life dedicated to honoring you, Father.  I will not allow bad spirits or negative, doubtful, energy to enter this domain.  If I do, then I do not deserve to live here because I know that this house has been waiting for me to arrive and begin living this life.  I will be grateful for this home, and I will show my gratefulness by living a life of integrity and peace, compassion and love, simplicity and grace, kindness and joy, etc.   

I need to finish painting today.  But also Terminex will be here soon (I still have a problem with carpenter ants) and Sears is bringing my new washer this afternoon.  I think I’ll bring my pets here later on.  It is time for them to come and live here with me and to share this new house with me.                      

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

The Affirmation

Dear Father,
My life changed tonight .  I went to see a lady give a seminar about talking to you because my friend, Joe, the musician was playing at the seminar and he invited me.  I was tired, feeling kind of crappy and really didn’t feel like it, but he asked me to and I told him I would.  Funny that the first thing she talked about was that we are never alone.  Funny to me because I was just saying to myself while I was getting dressed to go that I hate being alone and that I miss being in a relationship.  This “being alone” stuff gets me down sometimes because I just can’t understand why I am still alone.  I’m starting to feel like there must be something wrong with me.   Maybe I’m not pretty enough or smart enough or young enough or loveable enough for someone to want to be with me.  I mean I was married for like 30 years so it’s really hard for me to grasp the fact that I must learn to be okay on my own.  And for the most part, I am.  I am actually a lot more ok with being alone now than I first was after the divorce.  But still, I wonder why.  As if there must be a fault of mine why I am alone.  I think maybe however, that  you want me to be alone so I can be free of distraction so then I can hear your voice.  I think maybe that’s what has happend the past five years.  All my distraction is gone.  My husband and marriage, little Carmen, my surviving children are grown and off on their own, my money and investments and good credit, my health, my relationships, my job.  It’s all gone.  I don’t even have cable.  All the noise in my life is gone, and I’ve had to accept and let all of it go, too.  I know I allowed all these things to happen because somewhere inside of me I knew that I needed to be free in order to be able to hear you, Father.  

So, tonight I went to see this lady, even though I feel like I already can talk to you.  What changed tonight wasn’t the communication, it was the visual I got.  I saw you in my mind’s eye.  I am still trembling and completely overwhelmed by what I saw.  She told us to close our eyes and to remove all distractions and to think about you.  Well, I don’t have much distraction anymore…no job, no family, no money, no close friends, no addictions….so I am more open to connecting with you.  It was unbelieveable, what happened.    I relaxed and thought about you like I always do and let myself be completely free.  My spirit was free but I wasn’t asleep.  Then I saw a light.  It was like an explosion light but in slow motion.  Then I started to see images of faces of all these different people who I don’t know.  Then up in the top of my mind’s eye I knew you were there.  It was like a solar light burning but it wasn’t hot.  It’s weird, it was like the sun but I was right near it next to it surrounded by it.  Then I asked “Am I good enough?” and you said answered me, “You always were.”  Then I asked, “Am I loveable enough?” and you answered, “Yes, I love you.”  Then I asked, “What do you want me to know?”  and you answered, “You are not alone.  I am always with you.” 

Father, I am overwhelmed by the light of you and of being in your presence and of acquring an understanding that I’ve never known.  Everything makes perfect sense to me now.  I have been afraid of meeting you my whole life because it scared me because I didn’t think I was good enough.  But tonight, I put my fear away and I soared to where you are and I met you finally in person after all these years of mine.  There you were right in front of me telling me that you loved me and that I’ve always been good enough.  I’ve hidden myself away because I was afraid of your light.  I still don’t know what it means….maybe it doesn’t even “mean” anything (I try to analyze every single thing).  I wondered on my drive home why?  why am I able to see you?  who am I to see you?  what’s wrong with me?  what kind of person sees God?  I’m trying to accept that it’s really me, that I really am worthy to see you.

Then on the drive home I was filled with so much internal talk, talk, talk.  My own and yours.  I asked more questions and the answers came quickly and with authority.  I am worthy to see you.  I asked, “But what should I do now.” and  “What do I need to do?” and “I have to do something about this.”  and as I scrambled in my mind to make sense out of it, I realized I was running away from what happened, trying to create distraction instead of just listening and you said, “You don’t need to to anything.  Let me.  Let me do what I need to do.  I will take care of you if you will trust me.  But you need to trust me.”  My heart belongs to you Father.  Now, I know exactly where my son is and this has eased my mind beyond compare.  I knew I would make my way to the light.  I knew it.  I guess I just needed to be reminded of how to get there.   This is the only home I’ve ever wanted or needed, Father.  I am completely free to do your will, finally, and your light will shine from me.  I am home.     

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.