Mother’s Day and missing my son

    Mother’s Day is coming up once again. I was wondering what was
wrong with me though, for you see I’ve been thinking about my son a lot
more over the past few days and feeling upset and missing him a lot, and
I didn’t know why. I keep “seeing” him in little boys I see with their
moms or teenage boys who are about the age he was when he died. This was bothering me a lot because I didn’t know why I was being so sensitive, and
also I can’t seem to get away from it. Then today I remembered that Mother’s Day is
coming up and now I know why. This happens to me every time there is a
holiday or an anniversary or a change of season or a special song on the
radio, etc. So much in life reminds me of him (or rather reminds me
that he’s not here).

For me, Mother’s Day is not only a day for all of us to remember our
mothers, but also a day of humble appreciation for the fact of having
been blessed with motherhood. My perspective is that bringing children
into the world grants us the ultimate responsibility of nurturing,
loving, guiding and molding new life. I’ve always recognized, respected,
and honored my role, taken it quite seriously in fact, with thoughtful
consideration, strategy and great care. This is not to say that in
raising four children I did everything “right” or that there were not
times during the utter chaos and drama when I’d find myself doubting the
how or why of my choices to bring four children into the world.
Regardless of the situation however, my maternal bond overpowered each
and every doubt. With Mother’s Day upon us (and this being the fourth
since my son has died) I find the meaning of this day especially bitter
sweet: bitter in knowing one of my children will not be able to pick up
the phone to say “Hi, Mum,” and sweet for the abundant love that
overflows from my heart for each of my children, including my son in
Heaven, and for the unique blessings that each has brought into my life.

All three of my children are now off and living their own lives, two of
them raising families of their own (and doing a superb job at it!). My
blessings continue as they have also given me four beautiful
granddaughters. Honestly, however I long to hear the voice of the child
who can not pick up the phone. The void that’s been left in my heart
feels immense and overwhelming this week and no amount of gratefulness
or positive thinking seems to be able to fill it the way it usually
does. Yes, remembering my blessings helps to ease the pain and dull the
longing but believe me when I say that it takes all my strength right
now. I’m sure many of you know exactly what I am talking about here,
too.

I am blessed with a good life and beautiful, healthy children. My own
mother thankfully is still with us, and I will make time to visit her on
or before Mother’s Day. For my son in Heaven, Carmen, I will set aside a
part of my Mother’s Day to be with just you, in the quiet stillness of
prayer, making sure you know what a blessing you were and are for me in
my life. I’m grateful for our 20 years even though an eternity would
still not have been enough time with you.


Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

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