The same decision


 

Seven years ago today, I had an arguement with my then husband which resulted in him choking me.  This was a familiar scenario which had been played out over and over and over in my 32 years with him.  Yet, on that particular day, something unfamiliar happened in me and I finally, FINALLY, realized that my situation was hopeless.  I reacted to this situation and made a decision that transformed and altered my life and the lives of everyone around me. While the realization actually crushed me, it also propelled me to move forward courageously from the “safety” of what I knew into a new life that both scared and fascinated me. Feeling hopeless due to the fact that this was a seemingly endless scenario, I wasn’t really sure how to change my life.  I let a couple of days go by and then realized that the only way to change this cycle was for me to leave him.  I was terrified.  I was uneqipped emotionally, financially, mentally, or physically for facing the world as a single woman, yet there I was making my new path. Today, 7 years later, I ask myself, “Would I have made the same decision knowing what I know now?” My answer would have to be yes, even though I’d given up so much, based upon the fact that once that light of hope finally went out, there was no way I could lie to myself anymore.  

I must be honest and say that these past seven years have been the worst of my entire life.  Lots of things have seemed to go wrong around me and it just seems like some kind of curse hit me the day I left my ex-husband.  It’s bothers me that I feel like I did something wrong by leaving him to protect myself.   I’m still struggling to understand how it feels like I am the villian for choosing not to be abused anymore.  I’ve lost everything that he and I worked 30 years to create, the fruits of which I will never see and which he now shares with someone else.  My world revolved around him and our family and our family business, now nothing remains intact and I am left to create a new life from the ashes of the old one.    

I smile through my disbelief that my life has ended up this way.  I am grateful to myself for choosing not to be abused any longer, however the knowledge that I spent 36 years with a person who now acts as if I do not exist is very difficult indeed.  

I pray for him and for my children, that they will have a good lives, but I also pray daily for myself that I will heal and peace will ease the pain from a lifetime of trauma from being abused and from dealing with these losses.          

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

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