My personal journey of contemplation on the topic of existence.

              I asked myself (and the inner light within me) some challenging questions about existence this past weekend.  I reflected on things such as the afterlife, death, soul, etc.  This is definitely not based on any religious ideas, nor am I claiming it to be a “Truth”, it is just the written reflections and dialog between me and my inner Light.  

                  This is what I learned after I asked specific questions and waited for something to come into my mind.  I then wrote down what came into my mind:

1)  Assuming that our souls are spiritual beings in heaven with God, why would a beautiful spiritual being need or want and agree to come into the physical world?  I keep hearing that it’s because our souls have something to learn or do.  This doesn’t make any sense to me if the spiritual being is already perfect in heaven with God.  This is what I wrote:

                      At some point in time our souls came into being (we were not always spiritual beings in heaven with God).  This would explain why we keep agreeing to come back to learn more.  At some point in time, could even be the beginning of time, we were born physical and our soul was born too.  It may not have been into a human being and it may not have been in this galaxy or universe or time period, but at some point we began our existence by being “born”.   

                        The concept however that we come back to learn because we didn’t learn enough or make the right choices in a pevious lifetime needed a bit of reflection I htought.  Are we really held hostage to the choices and decisions we make in a lifetime, ones which are based upon the knowledge we have at that present time as well as whatever our current circimstances were or are? To me, that sounds eerily similar to the Christian doctrine that states we are all born with the sins of Adam and Eve, our earthly ancestors, and therefore must be “baptised” in order to wash away sins that had nothing to do with us in our lives.    

                         Therefore, I find it hard to accept that we are living a spiritual life many times over.  The “forgiveness” theory which Jesus preached (basically that we are forgiven in this lifetime for our sins) frees us from ever having to “come back again”.   

                     Which brings me now to the concept of “soul”.   I don’t even know where to start with this……all I can do is show the chain of dialog in order for it to make sense.

                           So, no one’s soul is born until some kind of vehicle is created to actually house (or imprison) the soul (be it a body or something else maybe in another dimension that I can not even imagine).  Our souls were probably all born at the same time, when everything was created and our souls have been evolving.  But did every soul start out kind of limited in it’s knowledge and evolve along with species on this planet?  I mean there would be no reason why a lizard would need the spiritual capacity to contemplate existence. 

At this point I made this jump in my reflection:

                              Every soul is simply the light of God. It is in everything and as species evolved, so has the soul.  The soul of the universe and all of creation is God.  The God that exists within us existed forever, the the past, present and the future.  God always existed, but we didn’t, but when we came into existence God touched us and instilled in our physical form a piece of Him, which is necessary for life, just a spark, but a piece of Him nonetheless.  So, the turn of events is that we live many lives in all kinds of capacities and ways, and we evolve from other physical vessels which house our spark of God…we could be a spark of God from another dimension landing here in the present form to learn.  At some point God touched something and “I” was born – my soul was born, which is exactly not even “my” soul, it is simply an extension of God.  It’s not “me” or “mine”’s God…..a piece of the “I Am”         

                             Now I make the jump from thinking God is like a person who created everything to knowing Him only as the “I Am”

                               I ask:  Why would my soul need to evolve if it is already a piece of the “I AM”?  It wouldn’t make sense.  The “I Am” doesn’t need to evolve.  Am I to believe that my piece of the “I Am” has been trapesing around the galaxies and decided to just land here on earth inside of me?  and if my soul is just a piece of the “I Am” then It doesn’t take a memory of me with it everywhere…why would it?  The “I Am” knows everything and the “I AM” in me is a collective mind of everything…not just my own past, present, and future. 

                       Which prompts this question:  If the “I Am” knows everything then what is the purpose of It perpetuating (or imprisoning) Itself inside a vessel (form)?   Answer: maybe there is no purpose because the Light of the “I Am” just penetrates all – encompasses all – fills all.  As I tried to grasp this concept, I envisioned a few different possibilities for understanding what this means.  I envisioned the whole universe inside of say, an ocean….the ocean being the “I AM”, or maybe envision it as smoke.  You see,  smoke and the ocean penetrate everything living within it.  The smoke doesn’t actually have to reach out and “touch” anything for it to penetrate the form.  The smoke envelopes the form, lives in it and around it and goes out in all directions from it.  We, at the same time, can not step outside of the “I AM”.   It always exists.  You could also think of air or space…think of the “I Am” as everywhere…..therefore there is no need to purposefully bring anything into existence.  Existence occurs within the “I AM”.  

                       However, unlike water and the air which can be polluted by the forms which inhabit it, the “I Am” can not be polluted or effected by anything that happens within it.  We are not here to learn anything nor are we in need of forgiveness because the “I AM” that lives within us is above and beyond all of that nonsense.  The “I AM” never changes, in fact It doesn’t even “feel” our pain because this is strictly physical and superficial.  Does our pain touch the “I AM”?  NO……Does it change the “I AM”?   NO.  Whatever our humanness does is of no consequence to the “I AM”.  We are born and then we die, but the “I AM” encompasses all        

                       Which leads to the question:  What happens to our soul when we die?  Since the soul is simply the “I Am” within us, then it reasons that when our physical form dies, the “I Am” within us just disperses back to the whole.  If it just disperses back to the whole, then it never really left the whole…our form just ceases to exist.  Therefore the spirit within us is not unque or individual…it IS the “I AM.”  We carry within us a piece of the “I AM.”  Nothing has to “return” anywhere because nothing actually left the “I Am.”  

                       Which leads to this train of thought:  Human beings have added nothing to creation nor to the benefit of the earth.  For example, trees soak up carbon dioxide and produce oxygen (although on that thought, maybe we could say that human beings provide carbon dioxide for plants).  Ok, so we provide something…but really, all we really do is consume and pollute.  There doesn’t seem to be a purpose for us at all other than as a part of the food chain, so it would seem appropriate that we would need a prideful designation, such as “being made in God’s image” to explain why we are even here at all and to make us feel better about the fact that we are not special.  However, there is one quality or ability which is unique only to human beings (and I think we evolved this capacity because we are basically a nasty bunch of creatures)…and it is that we have the ability to know the “I AM” within us on a personal level.  Other creatures have the “I AM” within them too, but only human beings can contemplate and reflect on this concept.  The gift is not that we’ve been given life, nor the fact that the “I AM” dwells within us, the gift is that we get to experience the “I AM” within us.  Those who recognise this in their physical lives, are actually transcending the physical world and connecting with the “I AM”.  No other creature on earth gets this opportunity (well, none that I know of) and then…ever so humbly…we will die.   Maybe that’s really all there is to this life….to make that connection and experience the wonder of the “I AM.”  Sad that most people will never come to connect with the “I AM” within.  In that case, they are living only the physical reality – but does it matter?

                      Does it matter to the “I AM” whether or not we become aware?  No.  It does not matter to the “I AM” because we do not add to or take away from the “I AM.” 

                     Why bother being a aware of the “I AM”?  Because this knowledge is what separates human beings from all others in this reality.  It is an unique ability, meant to be cherished as one would cherish a priceless treasure.  It is meant to be polished and put on display for all the world to see.

                     What exactly is the “I AM”?

                                  I AM NOT A DESTINY.

                                  I AM NOT AN INDIVIDUAL.

                                  I AM NOT A NAME.

                                  I AM NOT LESS THAN.

                                  I AM NOT MORE THAN.

                                  I AM WHAT I AM.

                                  I AM A BEAM OF LIGHT.

                                  I AM YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

                                  I AM PURE.

                                  I AM STRENGTH.

                                  I AM INTEGRITY.

                                  I AM DIGNITY.

                                  I AM COMPASSION.

                                  I AM LOGIC.

                                  I AM JUSTICE.

                                  I AM TRUTH.

                                  I AM AN ALL-KNOWING BEAM OF LIGHT.

                                  I AM THE LIGHT.

                                  I AM WHAT I AM.

Be grateful and humbled for the opportunity to know the “I AM” in this lifetime and work diligently and tirelessly for understanding for only in our humanness can we be aware of this duality.  Our humanness allows us to think on our own while being immersed in the “I AM”.  No other creature can do that. 

                                Does our individual life matter? No.  We must be humble to the realization that we live and we die, but the “I AM” in us will go on forever.  Our individuality and importance is an illusion created by a false sense of pride. 

                               Which then brings me, Sharen Wendy Robertson, full circle.  And I ask the question, “If our individual life does not matter and we do not possess a unique soul, and the “I AM” within us just disperses into itself when our physical life ends, then it would reason that our deceased loved ones, their personalities, also cease to exist at the time of their death.  No wonder why we grieve so.  I think it is because we have an innate awareness of the truth, one which tells us that our loved ones are truly gone.  Yet our humanness refuses to let go and we create connections with spirits that simply are not there.  Yet, through our pain we are raised to a new level of connection with the “I AM” allowing us to tap into realms other than our physical reality, and this brings the potential for unlimited possiblites.     

                                Regarding psychics and those who can see, feel and touch things in the spiritual realm.  If a life ceases to exist, then what is it that a psychic “sees”?  I think psychics have the ability to transcend the physicial and connect with the “I AM” therefore they can “be” anywhere the “I AM” is.  I think we all have the ability to transcend the physical, too.           

These are just my own personal views on existence.  I am not asking for approval or disapproval.  I am not saying it is right or it is wrong or absolute.  I am just sharing a part of myself in the hope that others might contemplate what life has meant to them.       



Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

One month of reflections from a women who thinks too much

7/17/11   It is a strength in humans to find coping strategies, not a weakness, and we create them to help us withstand all that happens in life.  Productive strategies are springboards to growth and finding peace, while others keep us locked in our pain without any hope of finding meaning or purpose in our lives.  Hopefully, we choose productive strategies, ones which will eventually lead us to light once again.   

 7/18/11   Let peacefulness be your rock, your foundation, and keep it in focus as a clear destination of where you want to be throughout life’s challenges.  I can once again walk in the light, but I’ve worked very hard to bring myself out of the depths of despair.  I focus on being peaceful. 

7/21/11     “In one sweeping instant my son’s death cut my soul to the core with a wound so deep I saw the rippling effects on me throughout eternity. I was blinded by profound torment and despair. However (and unknown to me at the time), the loss also shattered my defenses and allowed my exposed, humbled soul to flow vulnerable, pure, and spiritual. From out of the depths of my sorrow my soul was freed and the world welcomed me with open arms.” thank u world…swr PeLoJo (peace, love, joy)

7/22/11     It’s tough not to hate sometimes. However, I can only say this, that I see and believe that everything in creation is connected and that our beings are pure, spiritual light energy.  If you only see light eminating from the soul of creation and everything is actually one you don’t hate anything, how can you? It would be like hating your own self. You can be distgusted and hurt, sometimes angry and sad, but not hateful.

7/22/11     I met my ex when I was 14 years old.  No one gets married thinking it won’t last a lifetime and no one has children thinking they will die before we do…but it’s all a part of those loving chances we take in life.  I think loss and the grief we experience because of it, be it the death of a marriage or a person, has an intensity which reflects the love that once flourished.  Accepting the loss and allowing the light of love to shine again can be a monumental mountain to climb.       

7/22/11    Although we can find peace, comfort, and solace in spirituality and religion, throughout history differing views on these has also brought dissent, disaggreement, hurt and pain among people. We must be mindful of how easily we can fall into this mode.  We must love each other first and be here for the benefit of each other, and hopefully if we are all here for the benefit of others we will be benefitted in return.  

7/23/11    I think our children who have died remain our future whether they are physically here or not. We will never forget them, and we will go on to hopefully lead productive lives dedicated to them. They still “breath” on earth through us and their heart beats in time with ours…..until we close our eyes and take our final breath, at which time we will awaken from the years of grieving to be reunited with our babies (and of course, they are all babies no matter what age they got their angel wings). 

7/24/11     My son, Carmen, will be gone three years on 8/7/08. I was niave and innocent before that day. It never crossed my mind that I could possibily lose a child. Imagine that, I smugly thought it was like an STD and thought it only happened to “other” people, as if it were something they caught. I wonder if that’s how people view me now. I am wiser now with a much more realistic, humble view of the world around me and a more open one to the world I can not see.

7/24/11     Another lovely day is setting with the sun…..I’d make a wish to prolong this day if I could, but I won’t because I’d run the risk of also having to prolong the ones that weren’t so lovely. No thanks….I’ll just cherish these ones as fleeting little miracles meant for me to enjoy for the moment and then “poof”……time to make room for the potential of another lovely day tomorrow.

7/26/11     The path of being true to yourself is not straight, w/out corners & bumps in the road. It has mountains, valleys, rain, sleet, tornadoes & hurricanes, but it also has sunshine, warm breezes, morning dew, blues skies,meandering streams, etc. You can walk this path backward, doing cartwheels, crawling, running, skipping, dragging, it doesn’t matter because it’s all about staying on YOUR path, not about how you walk it.

7/26/11     Even though our children are in heaven, we must continue to live, not just exist, but to actually find meaning and light once again. We must strive and push, claw and demand our way back from the ashes to create a new life, even though all we want is the old one. (miss you son)

7/26/11     Finding myself:   In three years, I lost my son (so that life ended) my marriage of 36 years (so that life ended) my other kids were old enough and moved out of the house (that life ended) my job of 25 years, my home which I designed and built, and my dad and step-dad. Everything that I identified with for most of my life ended. I don’t even know who I am anymore….. but you know, whoever I am I like myself more than I ever have in my life because I’ve molded myself from the ashes… I don’t have anything negative around me anymore. I’m free…..

7/27/11      I am the keeper and owner of my existence therefore I would rather mold my life to accomodate what I can handle, than to numb my mind to accomodate a life that I need to change. Cherish your life in all ways.

7/29/11     I wrote: “I am the keeper and owner of my existence therefore I’d rather mold my life to accomodate what I can handle, than to numb my mind to accomodate a life that I need to change.” I’d add that we have little or no control over many things (like in my case the loss of a child or a devastating divorce) but our power remains to change our world (if only from within) to accomodate what we can handle.

7/29/11     Regardless of the pain,oftentimes we are better off alone when trying to process loss and hurt. This gives us the space we need to think & learn & grow from what has happened & become stronger & more resilient in the process. Some of us, understandably so, are so focused on easing the pain they spend very little time alone,sadly foregoing the spiritual and emotional growth which can be gained from the experience.

8/1/11     As heartbreaking as it is to imagine and accept, the life we had while our children were alive is gone.  Grieve the life, the loss of ourselves and our children, but also know that somewhere deep inside all of us is a stubborn, tenacious desire to survive and to live; otherwise we (absolutely including myself here too) would take our own lives.  There is a reason why we don’t and it is in all of us, whether or not we have other children or grandchildren, regardless of religion, regardless of how strong the desire is to die…we don’t.  You see, we have a hardwired, biological survival instinct that keeps us from taking our own life (although illness may interfere with this instinct).  If the instinct keeps us alive (and most of us will live out our lives till we are called home naturally)… some point it really comes down to choosing how we will live out the rest of our lives.   We carry the loss throughout our lives, but there will be joy and love once again if we allow it to come back into our lives.   I never could have written this three years ago when I lost my son……..i wanted only to die and go and be with him.  I am learning how to live again though.  I say this just to show that there is hope for peace in your life, even while carrying this devastating loss.     

8/3/11         Life always has it’s own plan for us, & we’re really just along for the ride. “Ha ha,” life says, “I’m changing things whenever I feel like it. Hold on, quick corner coming up. A oh, sorry I know it looked like we were turning right, but we’re turning left instead. Oh well, sorry ’bout that. Hang on and roll with it, baby.”

8/4/11        My son’s 3 yr anniversary is coming up on Sunday. I have been thinking so much about his accident and having lots of Post Traumatic Stress. I keep seeing images of his car accident over and over again and of the car hitting the tree and it catches me off guard and I lose my breath.  I also usually see me grieving upon learning the horrible news, slumped over, legs buckled, sobbing so hard I couldn’t breath.  Well, I had a wonderful image come into my mind recently.  It was of me grieving three years ago…yes, slumped over, legs buckled, unable to stop crying but this time I saw my son in all his angelic form with wings leaning over me and supporting me, arms wrapped around me…holding me up so I didn’t completely slip away and die. Now I have this “image” cemented in my brain as if it is real and as it gets closer to Sunday, I will have this gift from my son to remind me why I am still here at all.

8/5/11       I will die again on Sunday at 5:15 pm……this will be the third anniversary of mine and my son’s death.  Yes, we both died that day.  The positive person left behind to walk my life in between the holidays and anniversaries and birthdays doesn’t even resemble this person who is presently awaiting a disasterous car accident…..this person who is begging life to please change the outcome and tell my son to just come home….please.  don’t let him die again, and again, and again…over and over again

8/7/11        If you asked me 20 years ago, “How did you know that, Sharen?” I would have smiled, winked & said, “I know everything.” Imagine, it took me 30 years to think I knew everything & then another 20 years to learn that I don’t. How the heck did I go from knowing “everything” to knowing “nothing”? Mmmmm, a smart person who knows nothing……that would be me

8/7/11     Trust yourself: be an open book and the pages will write themselves

8/8/11      In my quiet times, when my mind is still, I will choose to dwell where the light shines brightest. In my dark turbulant times, when I am rocked and tossed about, when nothing is quiet and nothing is still, my resolve weak, the brightest light still dwells in me.

8/8/11      Awareness always transcends conscious thought, so stop thinking about transcending conscious thought; just close your eyes, silly….you’re already there.    PeLoJo (peace, love, joy)

8/15/11     Wishing that you will find peace in what or where ever your journey leads you …but remember to bring peace to that journey too by walking your path confidently (don’t take things too personally).  Know your truth and show the world who you are in how you live your life.  Your actions will define you.

8/19/11    It is difficult for me to trust someone’s sincerity when they “beg” for forgiveness after they get caught or when they are prompted to do so for some reason outside of themselves. I think true integrity occurs when people are prompted from within to confess and apologize.

8/20/11     Although we are shaped and influenced by what happens to us, we are not defined or imprisoned or freed by it………period.  We are so much more than what the world can do to us or give us or take away.  Choose to think big thoughts because narrow minded thinking will only get you narrow minded results (unless of course you are happy with narrow minded results, then more power to you.)  

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Why I’m Still Here

Can’t sleep…thinking about my son and the car accident that took his life.  It will be three years ago on Sunday since I lost my son. I have been thinking so much about his accident and having lots of PTS. I keep seeing the accident, replaying over and over again, and it catches me off guard and I loose my breath and shake and cry……..the other day the images were particularily vivid and real.  I saw myself grieving over the news of his accident…….slumped over, legs buckled, unable to stop crying and just wanting to die and be with my son. It’s not unusual for me to see myself crying over the accident, but this time I saw my son in all his angelic form with wings leaning over me and supporting me, arms wrapped around me…holding me up so I didn’t completely slip away and die. My tears running down on his arms.  Now I have this “image” cemented in my brain as if it is real and as it gets closer to Sunday, I will have this gift from my son to remind me  that his love and support are actually why I am still here at all and to show me that I’m never really alone.

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.