Let music be my gift

With the holidays approaching I know what a difficult time of year this can be for so many people.  However, I couldn’t always relate to how truly difficult this season can be.  I lacked the experience which would enable me to truely empathize with the sadness, lonliness, and emptiness that epitomized the season for “those” people.  How could I?  I was married, running a household and caring for my four kids, running two family businesses, and busy being the oldest sister to six siblings.  I thought I was invincible.  Untouchable.  Too strong for life to hit and run.

And then my world, from 2005 – 2009, was rocked with one hit after another.  My marriage of 28 years ended, my kids moved out, my beautiful little dog died, I had to relocate seven times, I was attacked and assaulted, I almost died from pancreatitis and a liver disorder, I lost my job, my dad died, my son died, my step-father died, and I went bankrupt.

At the beginning of this year, 2010, I remember saying to myself that I just didn’t care anymore.  I was a beaten women.  I felt like I had nothing left, and that life had taken so much from me on such a deep level that there really wasn’t anything left to take.  I had nothing left to lose.  I knew I needed to find a reason to live or I would probably just shrivel up and die.

Music saved my life.  Once I decided that I didn’t “give a damn” anymore, I threw myself into my songwriting and producing my music.  I decided to choose to live and to sing my way through all my grief.  I took the focus off all the trials and tribulations I’d been through, instead, directing my attention to creating the most poinyant lyrics and melodies I could write.  My life began to turn around.  I made no projections for where I would be or where I was going or how I would pay my bills, but somehow when I let go of my misery and  shame, everything in my life fell into place.

I can now say that I truly empathize with others when they say how difficult this holiday season is for them.  I know because I too feel lonely, empty, and sad at times, especially upon hearing all the Christmas songs on the radio and seeing all the homes decorated with lights.  It is certainly not an easy time for those of us dealing with grief and loss.  I pray for all of us that we may find the strength and courage we need to face the season, and even more, to find a way to give to others.  My music is my gift to you.

alfie9 FREE and CLEAR
Song written and sung by Sharen Wendy Robertson

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

It’s about the message

    I wrote this story back in 1994, a time in my life of much spiritual soul searching.  As I analyzed and questioned all that I’d been taught and learned in my life about religion and spirituality the notion came to me that I should be free to create my own explanation of God and destiny, love and hate, human behavior, etc., etc.  Although 16 years have passed since I wrote this, it still holds (what I consider, anyway) some unique and interesting explanations on life.   I consider it to be just a story, please don’t be offended.  Think about the message……………..which is LOVE.                                        

REENA SHI
By
Sharen Wendy Robertson
                                                                                 

 

 

           

     Long, long ago, before God created the universe, He lived with all of His angels in Heaven.  God thought His angels were very special and loved all of them the same.  Each angel was empowered with a unique talent: some angels could sing, some could write poetry, some could draw, and some angels could think big thoughts.  Yet, there was one angel who was especially close to God.  He called her Reena Shi.  Sometimes Reena Shi would sit for hours and days (well, for a long time because they don’t really keep track of time in Heaven) on the front steps of God’s throne and watch as He inspired the universe into existence. 

     This was not an easy task, even for God, so once a month He summoned a meeting with His staff of angels who could think big thoughts.  They met at the Palace of Heavenly Thought.  It was by far one of the most beautiful buildings in Heaven. The Palace was made of clear, blue crystal.  There was no need for doors because the beings could pass right through the crystal.  The steps up to the Palace were magnificent: sculpted silver with diamonds, rubies, and emeralds, and sparkling stardust waterfalls on each side of the steps.  Worker angels lovingly polished the stones, while maintenance angels kept watch over the stardust.  The roof was open to the sky so the light of the sun always shown down from above.  God‘s conference chamber was on the first floor.  The meetings usually lasted a long time, and Reena Shi always included herself because she wanted to be near God. 

     In those early days of creation there was so much work to do, like where to put this star and where to put that planet.  Creating a new universe isn’t as easy as you might think, the dimensions must be absolutely perfect so that everything has enough room to grow or else things will bump into each other.  This was such important work in fact that God commanded his angels to be very precise. 

    “When you design this new universe make sure it is perfectly balanced,” said God. “Everything

 

must have enough room to grow.”

 

     Reena Shi watched God create.  The matters of the earth, like the flowers, trees, and animals all listened carefully to their instructions from God.  He was like a conductor of an orchestra, his hand would go up and all things would know what to do.  The flowers would open.  The clouds would rain.  The sun would shine.  The moon would glow.  Babies would be born, and people would die.        

     From out of all that God had created He loved the earth the most.  In the beginning, God had loved everything the same, but the earth was the only planet that had listened to Him.  All the other planets were once as alive as the earth, but they became very stubborn and thought they didn’t need God.  Like Mars and Pluto and Saturn, they were once filled with plants and people just like the earth.  Sadly, they began to think they didn’t need God and when He tried to whisper to them they wouldn’t listen.  This stubbornness upset the balance God had worked so hard to create.  He kept trying to whisper instructions to all those planets:

     “Please, just love each other,” God said softly.  They all ignored this tiny, simple command.

     Life on those planets existed for awhile without God, but without love to balance the meanness, all the animals and insects and people hated each other.  Soon the flowers wouldn’t open because they were jealous that the birds could fly, and the sun stopped shining because he didn’t want the moon in his sky anymore.  Then, little by little, everything on those other planets slowly died off.  It got very, very cold until everything…………just…………….froze. 

     There wasn’t anything God could do except to try and not think about all He had lost.  Instead, He thought about something very wonderful. 

“Thank goodness,” He sighed, “I still have the earth.”

     God turned away from the cold, lifeless space.  Looking down from His throne He could see the earth: healthy, vibrant, and colorful.  God gazed lovingly at the blue skies, green forests, golden fields, orange sunsets, red sunrises, gray clouds, and the silver moon.  Even when He was busy doing God-work He still kept a loving, watchful eye on his favorite planet.  Sometimes God would journey around the earth.  His presence was a warm, gentle breeze. 

Reena Shi often traveled with God.  She enjoyed her trips to earth; loved all of it, especially the creatures that God called human beings.  Of all of God’s creations, human beings were His favorite, and He was very protective of them.  With a peaceful thought God would breathe over the earth.  At this, all the animals and plants jumped up and down with joy.  Then everything lit up with a warm, heavenly light only God and the angels could see.  Any living thing with an innocent heart had this light.  It was the most shimmering, sparkling, shining light in the whole universe.  Human beings had the most brilliant light, some so strong that it was visible to God and Reena Shi for miles and miles.  It was especially helpful to those humans whose light was not very bright because to grow stronger all they needed to do was be around someone with a strong light.  Every minute with that person made their light glow brighter and brighter. 

     Sadly, there were some humans who were so far away from the light of others that they were always in darkness.  They didn’t know they were in darkness because only God and the angels could see the light.  They just felt lonely and bored with themselves, and their sadness made them feel cold.  The coldness slowed them down, and they became angry.  God traveled the earth and searched for those humans who were cold.  He tried over and over again to warm them by breathing His spirit on them but they were stubborn.  Their hearts were too cold to love anything, not even themselves.  They just turned the other way until God passed by, pretending not to notice that He was even there at all.  They just got colder and colder until their hearts……….just…….froze.

     God was very sad for these humans.  He looked away from the earth, out into the cold, lifeless universe and cried.  His teardrops were made of pure, blue crystal and each tear was the thought of a cold, yet beautiful human.  Each crystal teardrop was caught by an angel and placed gently in its own glass case.  Every case was outlined with liquid gold and silver.  On the bottom was a golden nameplate where the angels carefully wrote the names of the humans who had died without feeling the light of God.  Reena Shi noticed that God was crying more often and that the overflow of tears was keeping the angels busier than ever catching his teardrops.

     Now, the order in Heaven was this: God loved humans beings and the angels, but unlike the angels, humans were delicate and needed special, gentle care.  So, God assigned an angel to protect every child. 

  “Throughout time,” He commanded, “every human child will receive an angel. The angel will stay with that human for an entire lifetime.  The humans will call this presence “soul.”  You will bring my love with you to earth, and I will call you home when your work on earth is done.”

     The angels smiled and danced because they were happy to please God.

     “Remember,” God said gently, “humans must choose to love each other.  You will experience life and they will experience my love.  As your time on earth is fulfilled, your memory of Heaven will start to come back.  If you and the human become especially close, they will feel what you feel and sense what you know.  But remember, if you reveal yourselves to the humans they will die.”

      There was silence in the great hall where God’s throne was.  A warm wind passed through all the angels and the great hall became thunderous with God’s thoughts. Then God tried to prepare his angels for those humans who would not love.

     “Some of you will be born into humans who will grow cold no matter how hard you try to remind them to love.  When I call you home your only memory of them will be their names.  Each name will then be inscribed on a glass case with a crystal teardrop inside.  Nothing else will be remembered of that human.  For the humans who were warm and loving, all their thoughts and feelings will live on for all eternity in you.”

     Reena Shi sat on the marble steps with her friends.  They all sang a heavenly tune for God.  Soon, it was time for Reena Shi and her friends to leave Heaven.  They were all lifted up and placed in a golden archway.  There they waited suspended in space and time.  They sang again while they waited for God (in a low hum of course so God would not think they were being impatient). 

     “I send you out to the earth as my special messengers,” God finally said.  “You will bring an understanding of love and it will light the world.  This is an important mission because the light has already begun to flicker

on earth and even grow dark in some places.  You must rescue and protect all I have left.”

     Then God summoned Reena Shi to sit near Him.  She gazed upward, eyes closed, and the vision of God filled her mind. 

     “You are my joy,” God whispered.  “I am always with you, watching over you, and loving you.  In a very short time you will not remember me, but do not be afraid because I will remember everything about you every moment of forever.  You are always with me, and I am always listening.”

     “I am not afraid,” she reassured God.  “Even if I can not remember you, I think my love is strong enough to stay with me and keep me warm until you call me to come home.” 

     God moved Reena Shi back with her friends, and then she fell asleep.  When she awoke she was within a small child named Rose.  The child felt Reena Shi’s presence. 

     Time passed slowly on earth.  God missed his companion, and sometimes on his journeys around earth would pass by Rose’s house.  Once, when Rose was four years old, He even paused while she played in her backyard.  His presence filled the yard.  The birds and animals began an excited clatter and the trees bent down to welcome Him.  Rose closed her eyes and turned up toward the warm, bright sun.  From deep within Rose, Reena Shi awoke and turned up toward the sun too.  For that moment, God was the sun and both Reena Shi and Rose were filled with His love. 

     Rose took a deep breath, and Reena Shi felt the warmth of the breath.  Then, as if by magic, their breathing was in perfect harmony with the presence of God.  The moment was calm and peaceful. Rose was overwhelmed with the light and warmth of God’s love, and she began to cry.  The little girl sat alone in the yard; no one heard her cry or came to comfort her.  She rocked back and forth, crying tears that she did not understand.  She lay down on the grass, the tears continued.  Still, no one came to comfort her.  

     God felt compassion for Rose.  She stopped crying and fell asleep on the grass.  At that moment, God lifted her thoughts, and she dreamed of Heaven.  God took Rose above the universe and beyond the stars.  In that same instant, Reena Shi awoke and remembered who she was.  She gazed at God and His love embraced her.  Reena Shi and Rose rested in God’s loving embrace.  An eternity passed, yet when Rose opened her eyes she was still laying on the grass in her yard.  This experience stayed with her throughout her life.  God continued to visit Rose, and she grew up to be a loving, compassionate woman.  God was very pleased with this, and Rose was remembered throughout eternity in Reena Shi.   

     As for the rest of the earth, God continued to watch and hope.  He realized the difficult challenges His angels were facing.  He also knew that the distance between Heaven and Earth was far too wide for even the most loving humans to cross.  So finally God decided, without another moment’s hesitation, to pack up His kingdom and move everything to earth.  This way He could monitor the situation more closely.  As always, Reena Shi, who was now back home in heaven, was by God’s side.  Thank goodness, because when God arrived on Earth neither His angels nor the humans recognized Him.  He realized that in order for things to improve He needed to make Himself known. This proved to be more difficult than He thought it would be. 

     “How can I show my loving nature?” said God.  “Humans are suspicious and fearful.  Maybe I stayed away too long.”

     He thought and thought.  Finally, He had an idea. 

     “I will answer them when they call.  I will answer them loudly so they can hear me.  I will also call out to them.  I will call them loudly so they can hear me.”

     The wind began to blow boldly from the four corners of the earth.  The sun danced merrily with the moon in the sky.  The birds perched on the backs of other creatures and rode peacefully without being bothered.  The oceans calmed themselves and the air around the earth smelled of sweet, fragrant roses.  Everything in nature cooperated as if to say:   “Listen up humans!  God has not forgotten you.  This is His nature and He is revealing it to you.” 

    With a sense of wonder and curiosity, humans from all walks of life, all races and nationalities, turned from their busy, lonely lives, closed their eyes and felt the safe embrace of their loving God.  All at once everything on earth heard His voice.  The whole of creation glowed brilliantly with a light not seen by God since the beginning of time.  Then, in all His glory and joy, He cried.  Reena Shi sat down beside God and cried too.  At that moment the earth became a beacon of light and warmth to the rest of the universe.  God reached out generously and lightly touched the planets around the earth.  They were still frozen, yet somewhere deep within the ice and cold a tingle of thaw began.  The loving light from the earth was being absorbed in the universe.  Everything was peaceful.  God smiled, and then He and Reena Shi rested with the earth.               

 

                    The End        

           

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Global madness: what’s wrong here?

     I am prompted to write today due to the catastrophy occuring in the Gulf of Mexico.  For me, this prolonged spewing of oil in such a delicate part of the world is cause for reflection.  Watching this horror unfold over the past several months has made me even more aware and sensitive to all the bad things taking place in the world.  I mean really, if you want to think about it (not that anyone really wants to), but what about global warming, and acid rain, cruelty to animals, and destruction of the rain forest, and human trafficing, and drug and alcohol addiction, and child abuse and domestic violence, sexual abuse, neglect, greed, lonliness even though we’re all “connected”, illiteracy, hunger, sickness, disparate wealth, etc.  I mean, the list could go on and on and on and on.
    It really makes me wonder what is driving this madness.  Why are people hurting each other and the beautiful world we live in.  Why?  Why don’t people care?  I wonder, is it drugs?  Maybe so many people are medicated they can’t think rationally.  Are they medicated with the high of greed and lust?  What is it and how come we can’t pull ourselves out of it?  Our species is completely out of control. 
     As I sit here analyzing, I think I may have the answer!  Since we have so efficiently removed ourselves from the food chain, we have been given free reign to completely take over the planet.  I suppose the same thing would happen if any species were allowed to overpopulate the planet.  It would be disastrous for all other living creatures.  That species would consume the planet until everything was either used up or ruined.  The balance of nature is gone forever now because we have the ability to ensure our own survival.  On top of that, I don’t think there is a such thing anymore as the “balance of nature” because we’ve tipped the scale in our favor so that nature doesn’t rule the planet, we do.  Oh, nature can still create havoc on earth, but we seem to have become dictators and overpowered the survival of most living organisms on earth.     
     There is nothing odd with what we’ve done here, the purpose of all organisms is to survive.  We have a survival instinct embedded within our genes, just like bacteria and lions and flies, which dictates our drive to ensure the survival of our species.  But, the survival instinct in us is not for our species, it is for ourselves, which is to consume and consume, and to get, while the getting is good because this will ensure the survival of my particular gene which naturally is the best gene and if I don’t perpetuate my gene, then my gene will die out.  Not my species, but my gene.  That is why we not only trample the environment, we trample each other.   Still embedded in us is the notion of survival of the fittest and we will trample anything that doesn’t support our sovereignty.
The human family does not operate as a group, like an ant colony or a bee hive, we operate independently and for the most part without regard for how our actions effect other human beings; or anything else for that matter. 
         So I think the question now is, “How do we get each other to see each other as part of the same family?”  Instead of only seeing each other and the environment as something to overpower in our quest for the survival of our genes.  I don’t have an answer.  I wish I did.  I don’t think there really is any turning back from this because even if some of us have the decency to step back and learn once again to appreciate and respect things, there is another person just dying to step in our shoes and get his share of the “good life.”  Just like the environment and weak races of people, we’ll just get trampled, too.  And what good is that?  It will take the strong amongst us to ensure the survival of our world.  We need something to bring us together as one unified mind-set.  Who knows, maybe one simple word will do; maybe this word,  PELOJO (Peace/Love/Joy), will do.  (Hey, atleast I’m trying.)     
Pelojo to you all.  
Sharen    

Funny, I just remembered a poem I wrote when I was 11 years old (that was way back in 1971).  I think I wrote it because the Vietnam War was on the news every night and watching it saddened me.  I think my poem, although written by a child, says everything we need to know. 
 
Rock Me Oh Lord

Rock me oh Lord,
Till the day that I die,
And tell me why,
The people must cry.
And tell me why,
I have such dreams,
That the sun won’t shine,
And the sky won’t gleam.
I guess it’s because,
We have done ourselves in,
To a life full of hate,
And a life full of sin.
But we could change things,
If we wanted to,
And live in a world,
Which is precious and new. 

 

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Memorial Day, song for our loved ones

Today is Memorial Day 2010, a day to remember those who have served and died in the armed forces.  The day was rather melancholy, I don’t know why.  I didn’t feel much like my usual hyper-active self.  I chatted on Facebook with a childhood friend who is over in Iraq working as an electrician.  He says it was over 100 degrees and there’s no shade anywhere, just sand and sun.  I haven’t talked to him in oh, probably 30 years.  It was weird, yet familiar and pleasant.  I wonder if I’m sad today because I can feel all the other saddness of other parents who have lost their children.  With so many people remembering their loved ones, I think it just made me miss my son.  I just watched an old movie, Signs, with Mel Gibson, and I couldn’t stop crying.  I can’t watch anything anymore because I’m so sensitive.  My dad was a veteran and he died in 2008, three weeks before my son, Carmen.  I haven’t gone to visit him yet at the cemetary.  I wanted to go today because it was Memorial Day, but I didn’t feel well, so I’ll have to go some other time.  I did visit my son twice today.  I go up there and even though it’s been almost two years, I am still hoping that his grave won’t be there.  Then I take the corner to go down the avenue where he is buried, and sure enough, he’s still there.  I drive up really slow and look out my window at his headstone, yeah, that’s him.  He’s still here.  I wish it was all a dream and that he’s really not dead.  “How can my son be dead?”  I ask myself.  But there’s no answer, it just is and I have to accept it.  I try to pretend that he’s just away right now and that he’ll be coming back home or that he’s going to call me, but then I remember that I visit his grave and so it isn’t like I don’t know where he is already.  He’s up there, in the ground.  Not his spirit, but his body and the humanness of him.  It’s buried about a half a mile from my house.  I miss touching his face and reaching out and putting my arm around him.  I miss hearing him talk and laugh and yes, I miss argueing with him.  I miss teaching him and sharing with him and cooking for him.  I miss everything that made him human.  Now I have to grieve what I’ve lost and yet I also have to learn to be in this new spiritual relationship with him; one where I can’t touch him, or have a conversation with him, or see him and yet continue believing and feeling him near me.  He’s an angel now.  He’s a bright white light of energy.  He doesn’t even look like Carmen anymore.  I am so grateful that I was the one who got to mother and love him.  I grew him in my belly and pushed him out into the world (I almost died during labor, too).      

I wrote this song a couple of months after my son died.  It is the first song I ever wrote.  I hope someone finds comfort in my words. 

      “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE GONE”


Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.