Category Archives: my music

My original song-Harvardwood Radio

Harvardwood

I am very excited to share that my original song, Lost In Love, was accepted to play on Harvardwood Radio!   I’m a singer and a songwriter, and my music expresses the real life issues and topics that affect us all.  Lost In Love expresses the joy at finding true love.

Check out my original song, Lost in Love, on the link.

https://soundcloud.com/harvardwood-radio/sharen-wendy-robertson-lost-in-love

 

 

 

 

 

Domestic violence: my truth, my song, my words

     
                       I am a singer/songwriter/writer at the present time.  However, for almost 50 years my life and my world revolved around two abusive men (my father and my husband).  This was my life ever since I was born.  I never knew there could be anything other than this way of life either.  I just assumed this was the way everyone lived.  I really had no idea how or the courage to free myself from any of it.  My fa
ther died in 2008 and so I am free now of his abuse and also my son died in 2008, and these two events were the catalyst for my finally getting free from my husband.  Now I live peacefully by myself, healing from a lifetime of trauma.  I have yet to learn to trust or what it means to have someone love me without hurting me.         

               Funny, now how the tables have turned for me because of my music and through the internet, now my “whole world” really is the whole world rather than just my husband. Now, from this new viewpoint, it amazes me how narrow (or maybe innocent) my perspective was. I am also amazed at how much power and authority I entrusted to just one single person in a sea of 7 billion. It really amazes me looking back at this now.  I will never do this again.  I have entrust my own self with power and authority in my life.   

               I was in a relationship with my husband for 36 years, from the age of 14 until three years ago.  He was my husband for 28 years.  Although there were things about him that I loved, for the most part he was a violent, angry, arrogant person with me, yet I stayed with him all those years.  I loved him, or I thought I did.  We also had a family together and a business.  It was the only kind of love I knew.  I take responsibility for the fact that I did stay, though.  I don’t blame him or anyone.     

              I don’t really know if he is violent now that we are not together (maybe it was just with me).  I am in the process of writing a book about my life, which consisted of an abusive childhood and subsequent abusive marriage.      

             I was a guest of Suzanne Perry on the “Global Forum On Domestic Violence.”  During the interview I talk openly about my life and how the violence and abuse have affected me.  I am not completely comfortable yet sharing on this topic, and I don’t know if I ever really will be but I am trying really hard to be honest and open in the hope that I will stop feeling ashamed and embarrassed.   I’ve also written a song which expresses my experiences living with domestic violence, from childhood through marriage.  The song is called, I Won’t Cry. 

           Please feel free to share your story with me.  I hope my honestly helps you.         

This is the interview link:

Global Forum On Domestic Violence

I WON’T CRY  on YouTube

I WON’T CRY  on iTunes



Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

A new song inspired by love.

I am a songwriter and a singer.  Being that I am a songwriter I find inspiration in my everyday life.  This new song was inspired by someone I met and try as I may not to, I fell in love with him (or I thought I was in love with anyway).  He is such a nice guy.  We are only friends now though, which was my choice.  He is a good person, and I care about him.

I have not had the resources to produce a new song in a whole year.  Well, I finally had enough money set aside and it just happened to coincide with this inspiration.  The song is called “LOST IN LOVE.”

I love making music and being able to share my songs.  It makes me happy, and I hope you will listen and enjoy my new song!  Please leave me a comment and tell me what you think!

Lost In Love on YouTube

LOST IN LOVE

Lost In Love on iTunes


Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

I know you hear my singing up in heaven.


          It’s been two years since I recorded my first song.  I actually wrote my first song in Sept. 2008, about a month after my son died, but it wasn’t until a year later, in Sept. of 2009, that I went into a studio to record it professionally.  All I did the year before I got into the studio was sing my songs outloud to my angel son in “a capella” style, crying, crying, crying, and more crying (oh, how the endless tears filled my days and nights).  I really had no idea what to do with my songs when I first began writing them because I don’t play an instrument.  Then one day I saw a program on tv that featured a recording studio not far from my home.  The recording studio is owned and operated by Joe Merrick.  The tv program interviewed Joe, describing how he handled all aspects of recording and mixing and everything else that goes along with creating a professional recording.  In that instant, standing there in my living room, I knew what I needed to do.  I immediately called Joe and left him a message.  He called me back the next day.  I told him how I’d lost my son in a car accident and that I had written some songs and wanted to record them and dedicate an album to him.  He said, “Sure.  Let’s get together and you can show me what songs you’d like to record.”

I went into the studio the following week, terrified and shaking.  I would have to sing my songs outloud, in front of someone I didn’t even know!  “How the heck am I ever going to do this?” I kept asking myself.  Although, to be honest it didn’t really matter to me “how” I would get it done. I was on a mission to create a way to share my songs for my son so everyone would know him and he wouldn’t be forgotten.  It’s kind of like when you are in love with someone and you want to proclaim to the world your undying love.  The love is so great and so deep you can’t contain it and you just want to shout  out from the highest tree top, “I LOVE this person!!”  I also thought that somehow, someway if I sang loud enough and beautiful enough it would be heard all the way to heaven and that my son would feel special and all the angels would be saying, “Look at how much Carmen is loved.”  I wanted to make him feel good and loved, being so far away from me in heaven, because I think he misses being home.  I hated the thought that he might miss me in heaven and so I sing all the time to him as a way to connect him to me. 

I had no idea what to expect at the recording studio, however, what I lacked in confidence I made up for in determination and sense of mission.  I certainly did not know that my songs could even be recorded or that my voice was good enough.  But, I really wanted to do this for my son, to let him know how much I loved him.  I wanted a living memorial dedicated to him and music was what I would use.  

I’ll never forget the first time I met Joe in the studio.  I was immediately put at ease by his easy going, kind of gentle nature.  He sat and listened quietly, and I closed my eyes and sang for my son.  It was such a difficult thing to do.  I opened my eyes and looked at Joe.  He said, “Mmmm.  Well, you know, I think I know where you want to go with this.”  Then he started to play his guitar to accompany the song.  Then he added a drum and a few more instruments.  The song is simple but perfect.

Over the course of the next 4 months we recorded 7 more songs, which Joe tells me is a remarkable feat, especially considering the fact that I had no experience with recording a song, never ind a whole CD.  Joe was the remarkable one though (to me) because he could listen to my songs and arrange the music so beautifully that I was often moved to tears at what was created in the studio.  It meant life to me.  Life for the memory of my son.  I just knew I wanted to get the album done before my son’s 22nd birthday on January 29th, 2010.  We finished the CD, and I named it Whisper On the Wind, which is the title of one of the songs.   

I created a YouTube channel and made a video of that first song in Oct. 2009.  I wanted to broadcast to the world how much my son was loved and how much he meant to me and to everyone who knew him.  Two years later, his video has almost 35,000 views on it, and I think I can rest assured that my son will not be forgotten.  His life lives on in all of my music, which is always dedicated to him.  Our paths are forever joined, my son and I, not only because he is my son and I, his mother, but because we share this musical journey, one that now fills me with purpose and brightens my life.  My music has become an extension of my son’s love for me, and as I walk this path without him in the physical world (a path which is often filled with lonliness and pain of missing him), I simply discover a new topic to write a song about and my heart is once again filled with joy and love and the energy of my beautiful angel son, my baby, Carmen.   I would give my life if I could undo that car accident which took my son’s life in 2008, but in the ashes of my grief I found my voice and a reason to go on.  

You can listen to all my songs on my website.  My music is all available on CdBaby & iTunes. 
This is the link to purchase my CD dedicated to my son, Whisper On the Wind:  
 http://www.cdbaby.com/AlbumDetails.aspx?AlbumID=SharenWendyRobertson

And on iTunes
Whisper On the Wind

You’re My Angel on YouTube  (original song by Sharen)

        

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Divorce & Life After Your Forever After Ends

                                                               

I first met my ex-husband when I was 14 years old, October 19, 1974.  We were married about four years later on March 19, 1978.  The marriage endured for 28 years, but ended in divorce on February 14, 2006 (yes, Valentine’s Day).   What happens when your life with a life-long partner comes to an abrupt end?  How do you pick yourself up and build a new life?  How will you find the strength to go on?  How do you say good-bye with your heart?  Will it ever get easier?  These were just a few of the questions that haunted me after my divorce. 

My relationship with my ex-husband was a roller-coaster ride from the get-go, forged with a lifetime of chaos, drama, tears, laughter, loving, frustration, arguing, attraction, intimacy, hurt, etc; but we were two strong souls, committed to each other, our marriage, and our children.  Our lives were intricately woven together with very little distinction as two separate individuals.  We were one, wrapped up in a relationship that took decades to mold.  We relied on each other, and so did everyone else around us, including family and friends.  We made a life, which included raising four children and running a successful business together for 25 years.  We were supposed to be together forever, but I guess sometimes forever isn’t really as long as, well…..forever.  

The 5 year anniversary of my divorce just passed on February 14, 2011.  I wish I could say that the divorce was amicable and peaceful but it wasn’t, in fact, it was probably one of the worst divorces ever!  I could probably write a book titled “Everything NOT To Do When You Get Divorced” and make a million dollars, that’s how bad it was.  I had no idea “how” to get divorced and was basically just going through the motions.  On top of all that I hadn’t stopped loving my husband and could not imagine living my life without him.  Fear was my constant companion, as well as prayers and tears (oh yes, lots and lots of tears).   My heart was utterly and completely shattered in a way that is difficult to describe, I guess “grief-stricken” would be the correct word.  The physical pain of not being around him was so excruciating I liken it to withdrawing from heroin or something (although I’ve never gone through drug withdrawal).   Besides the despair and grief I felt, I also had to get used to sleeping alone at night after sleeping with someone for over 28 years.  I also had to get used to waking up alone and starting the day without anyone asking if I was okay.  No more phone calls throughout the day.  His voice was gone.  I was completely alone, feeling abandoned by my friends, family, and children. 

My finances and the lifestyle I’d worked so hard to build also came to an abrupt end.  I wasn’t living in my home anymore, just an apartment.  I had no income, alimony or child support.  The job I’d had for 25 years in our family business was gone.   There was no cash to split in the divorce, just a few pieces of real estate we’d worked hard to acquire in our 28 years together.  I got those (and the bills that came with them) while he kept the business and our marital home (and the bills that went with those).  The day after my divorce I went to my banker and remortgaged my properties for the down payment to begin building a new home of my own.  I moved into my new house less than seven months later.  This was a home my ex-husband and I were supposed to build together, one we’d planned for, and even though I was on my own now I decided to follow through with the plan anyway.  I look back and think of why I did this, and I understand my motives.  I ask myself would I have done things differently if I knew what I know now, the answer is……probably not.  First of all, this was a dream house that my ex and I were planning on building before the marriage fell apart.  Secondly, I subconsciously thought that maybe, just maybe if I hurried up and built the house everything would go back the way it was “supposed” to be.  Thirdly, I also thought that the economy would hold up and if my finances got bad I could just sell the house and make a profit.  Lastly, I thought my kids would move in with me if I had a nice, new, big house for them to live in instead of the apartment I was living in at the time.  Sadly, none of these reasons ever came true.  But, I still own and live in my house, even though the bills and the mortgage are sky high.  There is one shining reason why I would still build this house today though, and it is because I am proud of myself for having accomplished this on my own.  I set my mind to the task, didn’t let fear rule me, and I went ahead and was even the contractor for the project.  I did it all by myself, and to be perfectly honest, it was a lot easier only having to answer to myself.  Although, I admit I definitely missed having someone around to trust, to talk to, and to share ideas with.  Sure, I was afraid every day, but I did it anyway. 

Regarding my finances, well, this has been an ongoing struggle for me on my own.  I was a stay- at- home mom running a family business out of my house for 28 years.  In the divorce, my ex-husband didn’t want to pay alimony, and I would have had to argue with him for it, which I didn’t have the strength to do so I didn’t press him on that.  Thankfully, all the years of juggling finances in my marriage and our business taught me the skills to manage on my own.  I will say I’m more at ease and able to accept the ups and downs of this struggle than I was five years ago.  I just continue on like I always have, plodding along one foot in front of the other.  I strive, hope, and pray each day that I’m able to hang on financially for just another 6 months, but I can’t project long term.  I don’t have a financial plan for my future anymore like I did for all the years I was married because losing my job in our family business and the downturn in the housing market has taken away any security I had.  I used to worry and cry about it a lot after my divorce, but now I’m resigned to the fact that I can only hope to get through each new day, one day at a time.  I can’t worry about not having a plan anymore.  I don’t have any Social Security either because I worked all those years in the family business without taking a paycheck.  I have to accept this and relinquish my worry to faith. 

There really isn’t much to share as far as the dating scene goes.  The last time I was single I was 17 years old, and then even before that, before I started dating my ex in high school, that would be when I was 13 years old!  I haven’t dated much since my divorce, even though I’ve made lots of friends, male and female.  Now, and I can only speak from my perspective, but the singles scene is nothing like what I thought it would be like when I was married.  I naively assumed that there would be plenty of eligible single, healthy men my age available for a committed relationship.  Wrong.  Of the men my age I meet, most either drink too much, smoke too much, gamble too much, work too much, don’t work enough, are still raising young children, are not divorced yet, are looking for a gal a lot younger than I am,  are way too old for me, way too young for me, are overweight, underweight, not in shape, not looking to commit, and number #1…..only looking for a “casual” relationship (if you know what I mean).   It’s hard to know who to trust and unless you have a huge network to tap into, it’s slim pickins’ as far as dating goes.  The reality is that even after five years of being divorced, I am still single.  I’ll admit this is a disappointment to me.  Part of the problem I know is that it’s been a lot harder to detach emotionally from my ex than I thought it would be.  He was my “first and only” in so many ways.  I see now, and I wish I knew then, that detaching in my heart from being his “wife” was going to take years.  I hope one day to meet someone and open my heart just enough to fall in love again, but as the years creep on by I have learned to accept the fact that maybe that won’t happen, but the thought of this probability does not fill me with anxiety the way it used to. 

A down side to not being in a relationship is the fact that I am minus the intimacy and physical contact I knew for more than 30 years.  Not just in the most intimate way of “being” with someone (which I miss) but my life also lacks the simple element of touch, which includes little things like holding hands, hugging, reaching out and touching someone’s face or arm, having a shoulder to rest my head on, having arms around me sometimes when I’m washing dishes, having someone to slow dance with, and of being close enough physically to look deep into someone’s eyes, not only to see their eyes, but  to know and completely trust the person who is looking back.

All the while, and through all the negative and difficult things I’ve had to adjust to in the five years since my divorce (which sadly also includes the tragic loss of my 20 year old son in a car accident, the death of my father, my step-father, and my dog) a part of me has been and continues to be moving forward.  I’ve been taking baby steps all along, so small I’ve not really paid much attention until right now while I’m writing this essay.  There were some days when the only step forward I had the strength to take was simply getting out of bed (and honestly, sometimes I didn’t stay out of bed very long). This is the part of me that never gives up or gives in, never sits around feeling sorry for myself, and always has hope that tomorrow will be better than today.  I have a life now that does not resemble anything of the life I had while I was married, except for the fact that my integrity is intact, and also that I still don’t smoke or drink alcohol or take drugs.  This new life I’ve created is overflowing with a fullness and sense of vibrancy which is unlike anything I’ve ever known.  

Back five years ago, going through my divorce, I thought my life was over….really.  I could not imagine my life without my husband.  I’d been “his” for ¾ of my life, and I had no experience or memory of being in the adult world without him.  I had no idea what to expect, and I was terrified and alone.  I didn’t even have a routine I could continue to follow because I’d lost my job, my income, my home, my marriage, and my kids (they were old enough to decide and they decided to stay with their father) all at the same time.  The only thing I could rely on in my life was the absolute knowledge that I would absolutely get out of bed every day even if it killed me, and I guess I built my new life from that small piece of truth and stability.

My life finally has order and a sense of peacefulness.  I have charted a new career as a singer/songwriter and connected with thousands of new people through Facebook, You Tube and my website, www.sharenwendy.com  none of which would have happened if I were still married.  I have been on a quest to fill the emptiness I feel by finding and connecting with people who I can relate to and who can relate to me, especially since my son has died.  Part of my first name is the word “share” and that is exactly what I am doing.  I am now free to express myself in any way I choose, from the way I dress to the songs I write.  However, this freedom is about more than being able to wear what I want or write whatever I want; no, it’s much more powerful than that.  It’s something I feel in my soul and down to the core of who I am.  It’s about being free to live an authentic life, which means being free to be who I always dreamed I could be.  I am making my own dreams come true, something which was next to impossible when I was taking care of a husband, children, and a business.  I wrote a song last year called Free and Clear which describes this inspiring, fulfilling freedom I have now.  Even though I still have days when I am sad and reminisce and long for the life I had and the comfort of being “someone’s” wife, the reality is that I’m not even the same person who lived in the life I miss.  I’ve grown and blossomed into this new person or better yet into the person I was always meant to be. 

FREE and CLEAR

By: Sharen Wendy Robertson

 

I couldn’t get to the place, that I always dreamed about,

Because my mind, was haunted with so much doubt.

Then one day I looked to see, the child inside of me,

Waiting for a chance to fly, into who I always dreamed I’d be.

Now I’m standing, standing free and clear,

Step to better days, with truth to light my way.

Mmmm, mmmm, standing, standing free and clear,

Move to higher ground, with peace I’ve finally found.

With one small step I stood and walked,

Turned my back away from fear,

Truth poured from my soul, held back for many years.

And then the clouds all went away, the sun warmed the sky,

I walked through my fear, and then stood tall, free and clear.

Now I’m standing, standing free and clear,

Step to better days, with truth to light my way.

Mmmm, mmmm, standing, standing free and clear,

Move to higher ground, with peace I’ve finally found.

An original song written and performed by Sharen Wendy Robertson

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.