Chin up

There have been so
many changes in my life over the past five years, from my divorce, losing my son, losing my properties, my savings, my jewelry, losing my pets, my job, my businesses, my dad and step-dad, an empty nest, my health, and moving 7 times. 

I had a good run of like 20 years when my life was
kind of insulated from great loss then, bang….one thing then another
and another, leaving me rather shell-shocked about engaging myself in life again. I’ve learned that it
‘s about taking small steps each year not leaping and boundig which define and cement into place the foundation of a new life.

All these changes make the holidays, well at the very least, different.  I know there are lots and lots of people trying their
best (like I am) to deal with grief and loss through the holidays as well as throughout the year.  Chin up, I say, because today is a new
day. Focus on today (not yesterday, not tomorrow) just today and
everything will be ok.
Lots of love to everyone.



Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Another Christmas without my son

Ok..it’s Christmas.  I’m happy about it, but my kids are all grown and off on their own.  All the years of creating Christmas for others leaves me with little knowledge of what to do with myself now that everyone can make their own Christmas.  Sure, I’ve been invited to come over numerous homes and celebrate today, but I want my own family in my own house and that doesn’t happen anymore.  In fact, my kids went to my ex-husband’s house last night for a Christmas Eve family get-together.  It’s weird to me that after 35 years with him, that it’s now him and his girlfriend who throw these get-togethers.  It’s not a bad thing, and I’m not angry; it’s just different, and I’m not quite sure what to do with myself.  I know there are millions and millions of divorced, widowed and grieving people out there who probably feel the same way I do.  It takes so much strength (physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially) to start over.  I just try and take one day at a time and make a vow to myself everyday not to waste the day lamenting about the past, be it about my son in heaven or my marriage or my youth.  Today is all I can call my own.  These are the foundation days of my new life.             

So, last night (Christmas Eve) before I went to sleep I decided I would go to the casino today and spend my day at the nickel slot machine.  You see, I really only have $21 to spend, and I only have a 1/4 of a tank of gas so I can’t go far.  I didn’t even have the money to buy anyone any presents, so it’s better if I just go to the casino today. 

Today is just one day.  I miss my son so much and can’t believe that this is the 5th Christmas since he died.  I will be strong though and get up and out of the house.  Soon today will be the past and tomorrow will be a brand new day. I’ll probably visit the cemetery later on.   

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Another Christmas without my son

Ok..it’s Christmas.  I’m happy about it, but my kids are all grown and off on their own.  All the years of creating Christmas for others leaves me with little knowledge of what to do with myself now that everyone can make their own Christmas.  Sure, I’ve been invited to come over numerous homes and celebrate today, but I want my own family in my own house and that doesn’t happen anymore.  In fact, my kids went to my ex-husband’s house last night for a Christmas Eve family get-together.  It’s weird to me that after 35 years with him, that it’s now him and his girlfriend who throw these get-togethers.  It’s not a bad thing, and I’m not angry; it’s just different, and I’m not quite sure what to do with myself.  I know there are millions and millions of divorced, widowed and grieving people out there who probably feel the same way I do.  It takes so much strength (physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially) to start over.  I just try and take one day at a time and make a vow to myself everyday not to waste the day lamenting about the past, be it about my son in heaven or my marriage or my youth.  Today is all I can call my own.  These are the foundation days of my new life.             

So, last night (Christmas Eve) before I went to sleep I decided I would go to the casino today and spend my day at the nickel slot machine.  You see, I really only have $21 to spend, and I only have a 1/4 of a tank of gas so I can’t go far.  I didn’t even have the money to buy anyone any presents, so it’s better if I just go to the casino today.

Today is just one day.  I miss my son so much and can’t believe that this is the 5th Christmas since he died.  I will be strong though and get up and out of the house.  Soon today will be the past and tomorrow will be a brand new day. I’ll probably visit the cemetery later on.    ScannedImage

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

The holidays…..again.

                                                     outsidewithguitar

The holidays are upon us once again……wonderful.  I know that seems really grumpy, but I’ve been feeling kind of sad thinking about the life I used to have.  I think about when I was married (for 30 years) and all the holidays we spent together as a family; all the food we cooked, the laughter and good times.  I think about my four kids and miss them being little and of having a reason to buy Christmas presents.  I think about the home I raised my kids in which I’d designed and built with my husband in 1990.  I think about my dad, who I miss dearly and also about the family pets who are gone now yet were such an integral part of our family.  I think about being along again for the holidays, and how nice it was to have someone to lean on and share life with.  I think most often about my son though who lives in heaven, and how the holidays are so difficult without him in them at all without even a phone call to hear his voice.  Then I look around me and it seems like the people from my old life are all building a new life and that my new friends have picture perfect lives.

Then last night a light bulb went off in my head, and I thought, but wait a second…..

I am building a new life, too!

I’ve worked really hard to create a new life, too.  Here in this new town with a new job and new friends.  I have new hobbies and new responsibilities.  I’m learning new skills.  My daily life today does not  include the people from my old life.  I love my children and grandchildren but they are not in my life everyday; they are busy building their new lives.  I do not live for them as was the case for so many years.

I think about how I spent 30 years building my life with my husband and kids but then I think:  geez, maybe I am building a new life which will also take another 30 years.  No, it doesn’t include people or things from my past, but there was a time in the beginning of those previous 30 years when I was still laying the foundation and making choices for the life which was unfolding.  I have to remind myself that right now because today will be my past at some point, and I want to look back on this new life and see it as the foundation for all that was to come for me going forward.  These choices I make today matter because they are my future.

I also think about how difficult my life was with my husband and that I was not really happy for most of our marriage.  I think about how he treated me and then I don’t miss him.  I do miss however being married or maybe I mean just sharing life with someone.  Then I think about this wonderful new life I have, and how I do not want to waste even one minute of it lamenting on what I miss.  I was thinking, if I do that then I am not really living this new life.  I’m wasting it lamenting about the past.  I don’t want to spend this new life I’ve created missing my old life!  This is where I am at right now, and I have a chance to cherish and enjoy every single second regardless of whether or not everything is perfect.  It is here and it is now, today; not yesterday, not tomorrow, just right now today.

It is warm here today.  The snow from last week has all melted.  I am going to practice my guitar, connect with and send out music to radio stations, take care of my chickens and my cat, do some laundry, take a nice, long, invigorating walk somewhere new, talk to my mother and children on the phone, take a drive over my son’s house and take care of his dog while he’s on vacation in Florida this week, go and get a new tire to replace the flat one I got yesterday, listen to the birds outside, sing songs, and be grateful….yes, most importantly, I will be grateful and try and bring some joy into the world by sharing positive energy.

May love and light surround you and fill your life today and always.


Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Christmas Card For You


Christmas Card For You  (click this link for your Christmas greeting from Sharen)

Wishing you and yours many wonderful blessings of goodness and may the sound of sweet music fill your life today and always.

Love,
Sharen


Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Picture of the sunrise taken from the New Bedford fishing pier.

sunries2

I took this picture the other day before I went into work (I work now at a seafood distribution company in New Bedford, MA).  The ocean and the sky inspires me everyday.  I never tire of it.   I also love where I work.  I feel very grateful for where I am at in my life right now, and I say a prayer of thanks constantly.  My life, which was so full of chaos and trauma and drama, has morphed into a peaceful and content one that I adore living. I cherish each minute. 

Naturally, like for everyone I suppose, there are things in my life I would love to change (like having my son alive again or being married again or teaching children again or living in the dream house I built, etc.) but you know something I never focus on any of it.  None of it matters.  The only thing that matters is right now, this day, and how I choose to live it.  I choose to live it with light and love for everything.  I believe that my joy is a product of what I am projecting out into the world.  It just reflects back to me.  I try and control and limit the amount of negativity I allow in my life, this includes not having cable or newspapers or associating with people who are negative.  I read my news online.  I think people are being bombarded with negative stuff and it is making everyone think negative thoughts.  Surround yourself in thoughts and deeds with positive stuff and positive stuff will come back to you.  This is how I live anyway and it works for me.  Stay strong in your life and be loving and kind to everyone you know and everyone you meet….joy will follow you wherever you go.


Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Out with my new guitar!

open mic1 - Copy

Owning this new guitar is such a thrill for me!  I swear it’s a dream come true, but it’s a dream I’d actually forgotten about for most of my life (precisely 42 years) until very recently.  You see, I got a guitar for Christmas when I was 11 years old.  It broke though and I never got to learn how to play.  I’d forgotten about this.  However, I remembered when I decided I needed to learn to play the guitar.  You see, I’m really tired of trying to find musicians who will agree to learn my songs.  No one really wants to invest the time and honestly I don’t blame them.  The songs are mine, and it seems like I’m the only musician who actually cares if anyone else hears them or not.  I’m tired and bored with only being able to sing cover songs when I go to a jam or an open mic when I know my own songs are just as good as the songs I sing that other people have written.  I figured if I learned how to play the guitar I could at least accompany my self when I go out to sing. 

So, last night I did just that.  I took my guitar with me to an open mic.  I haven’t quite mastered anything yet (it’s only been a week) but it felt real good to strum along to what people were playing.  Then I got up and sang a few of my originals a capella.  I didn’t mind that terribly because at least I got a chance to sing my own creations.

open mic3 - Copy

I love learning this new instrument.  It’s so exciting and so much fun, although my fingers really hurt and my brain is having a hard time telling my fingers what to do.  Apparently my brain is set on doing the same things it has always done and here I am at 53 years old making it learn how to play the guitar.  All I can say is, “Good For Me!”  (ha ha brain, I win.) 
open mic2 - Copy

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Serving the homeless

I was granted the very great privilege of serving meals to homeless people tonight.  Dear God, there is no greater thing I can do in the universe than to serve! 

Let me tell you how this wonderful opportunity came into my life:

Last Sunday I decided to go to church, which I have not really felt compelled to do since my son died in 2008. This decision is not out of anger at God but rather my inability and insecurity to completely open my heart again.  Well, now that I’m becoming settled in this new town I moved to three years ago and finally found a job (and one I really like), I feel more secure, settled and relaxed.  I decided it was time for me to start going back to church.  I go to the Catholic church but I am open to attending service at just about any church.  I am open to the similarities they offer rather than the differences. 

After mass last Sunday I decided to take a drive along the ocean and came to a little coffee shop and decided I would go in and sit for a little while.  I went in (which I don’t usually like to do on busy Sunday mornings because it is usually filled with couples).  Well, I sat at a table surrounded by tables occupied with couples.  “That’s ok,” I thought, “I can sit here and enjoy the ocean view and have a coffee and a muffin.”  While sitting I turned to my neighbor table and said hello to an older couple.  We struck up a conversation about lots of things.  They told me they were randomly at the little restaurant too.  By the end of their meal we exchanged phone numbers and since we actually lived near each other, we would keep in touch. 

I thought that was such a nice meeting.  I left to drive home and later that day I called my new friend and told her how much I enjoyed meeting her and her husband.  That was when she invited me to join her on Wednesday night when her church fills up a canteen truck with food and clothing and goes out to various city locations to feed the homeless.  I did not need to think twice.  I jumped at this opportunity with an immediate “YES!”  I know from my past volunteering experiences that this is the greatest spiritual thing I can do.  I feel like the universe, by putting this opportunity in my path recognizes I am ready to offer myself again.  I have so much love to give again…it always overflowed to help others but I’ve not felt strong or secure enough in these recent years in my own space to offer much to anyone other than from a distance with my music.  I guess I am in a wonderful place spiritually! 

As
I close my eyes to go to sleep tonight in my toasty warm bed in my
toasty warm house I will say a pray of thanks for the blessing of being
warm on this cold December night. I will think as I doze off of the
young children I met tonight who accompanied their grown-ups in the dark
to be served a hot meal from a canteen truck in a parking lot. I will
think about their little shivering selves, of us singing Christmas
carols and then of us huddling together to keep warm, of their grateful
little giggles while sipping hot chocolate while never once complaining
about the cold, of their hoods falling off leaving their ears exposed to the wind and of reaching to pull those hoods back up (over and over again), of their wide little eyes full of joy and excitement at being out and receiving food and a smile from people who care.  Kids know, their tender, innocent little hearts know all that is most important in life, that love is what keeps us alive.         
I will remember these children. I am grateful I could
help serve them tonight. 


Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

My new guitar!

                        

me and guitar1

I
remember back to when I was 11 years old and all I wanted for Christmas
was a guitar. I told my mother and father, and they both said, “Sorry,
Wendy, not this year.” I understood (kind of), there were seven kids to buy presents for and guitars were an expensive item.  Still, I was really sad because all I wanted was a
guitar so I could learn to play and sing all the songs that were in my
head (I made up songs all the time). Christmas morning came, all my six
siblings were up and excitedly unwrapping presents.
I didn’t even feel like getting up though because all I wanted was a
guitar, and I knew I wasn’t getting one.  My dad called me to come
downstairs even if I didn’t feel like it.   It was Christmas after all and he said I had better get myself up and out of bed.  Ok, ok, I got
up and moped my way to the living room. The kids were playing with
their toys. I looked at my father, and he pointed under the tree.
There was a big cardboard box. He said, “It’s for you.”  I said, “Me?” He nodded,
yes. I reached for the box and set it on the floor. I looked up at him
and my mother, then I pulled the top off the box. It was an
acoustic guitar! You never saw someone so happy. I loved that guitar.
Sadly, it did not survive long around my six siblings and my days of learning to play guitar were over almost as soon as they began. 

Fast forward 40 years………….

So, I decided
this year it was finally time to get myself another guitar for
Christmas. I don’t care if I’m “old”, I raised my kids and my siblings
are all off raising their own kids. Today I learned my first chords. I
also went to church.  I also watched my grandaughter Malia and showed her my new guitar (which she loves).  malia guitar2  This is a really cool picture because the reflection of my little tabletop Christmas tree is on the guitar.

Here she is again posing in her new jacket.  malia guitar1

My granddaughter asked me if Santa was bringing me a present this year.  I said, “Well of course, my new guitar

I offered to volunteer on Wednesday to deliver food to homeless people. Oh yes, this is a great day in my life, a very, very great day.  me and guitar2 - Copy


Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.