One month of reflections from a women who thinks too much

7/17/11   It is a strength in humans to find coping strategies, not a weakness, and we create them to help us withstand all that happens in life.  Productive strategies are springboards to growth and finding peace, while others keep us locked in our pain without any hope of finding meaning or purpose in our lives.  Hopefully, we choose productive strategies, ones which will eventually lead us to light once again.   

 7/18/11   Let peacefulness be your rock, your foundation, and keep it in focus as a clear destination of where you want to be throughout life’s challenges.  I can once again walk in the light, but I’ve worked very hard to bring myself out of the depths of despair.  I focus on being peaceful. 

7/21/11     “In one sweeping instant my son’s death cut my soul to the core with a wound so deep I saw the rippling effects on me throughout eternity. I was blinded by profound torment and despair. However (and unknown to me at the time), the loss also shattered my defenses and allowed my exposed, humbled soul to flow vulnerable, pure, and spiritual. From out of the depths of my sorrow my soul was freed and the world welcomed me with open arms.” thank u world…swr PeLoJo (peace, love, joy)

7/22/11     It’s tough not to hate sometimes. However, I can only say this, that I see and believe that everything in creation is connected and that our beings are pure, spiritual light energy.  If you only see light eminating from the soul of creation and everything is actually one you don’t hate anything, how can you? It would be like hating your own self. You can be distgusted and hurt, sometimes angry and sad, but not hateful.

7/22/11     I met my ex when I was 14 years old.  No one gets married thinking it won’t last a lifetime and no one has children thinking they will die before we do…but it’s all a part of those loving chances we take in life.  I think loss and the grief we experience because of it, be it the death of a marriage or a person, has an intensity which reflects the love that once flourished.  Accepting the loss and allowing the light of love to shine again can be a monumental mountain to climb.       

7/22/11    Although we can find peace, comfort, and solace in spirituality and religion, throughout history differing views on these has also brought dissent, disaggreement, hurt and pain among people. We must be mindful of how easily we can fall into this mode.  We must love each other first and be here for the benefit of each other, and hopefully if we are all here for the benefit of others we will be benefitted in return.  

7/23/11    I think our children who have died remain our future whether they are physically here or not. We will never forget them, and we will go on to hopefully lead productive lives dedicated to them. They still “breath” on earth through us and their heart beats in time with ours…..until we close our eyes and take our final breath, at which time we will awaken from the years of grieving to be reunited with our babies (and of course, they are all babies no matter what age they got their angel wings). 

7/24/11     My son, Carmen, will be gone three years on 8/7/08. I was niave and innocent before that day. It never crossed my mind that I could possibily lose a child. Imagine that, I smugly thought it was like an STD and thought it only happened to “other” people, as if it were something they caught. I wonder if that’s how people view me now. I am wiser now with a much more realistic, humble view of the world around me and a more open one to the world I can not see.

7/24/11     Another lovely day is setting with the sun…..I’d make a wish to prolong this day if I could, but I won’t because I’d run the risk of also having to prolong the ones that weren’t so lovely. No thanks….I’ll just cherish these ones as fleeting little miracles meant for me to enjoy for the moment and then “poof”……time to make room for the potential of another lovely day tomorrow.

7/26/11     The path of being true to yourself is not straight, w/out corners & bumps in the road. It has mountains, valleys, rain, sleet, tornadoes & hurricanes, but it also has sunshine, warm breezes, morning dew, blues skies,meandering streams, etc. You can walk this path backward, doing cartwheels, crawling, running, skipping, dragging, it doesn’t matter because it’s all about staying on YOUR path, not about how you walk it.

7/26/11     Even though our children are in heaven, we must continue to live, not just exist, but to actually find meaning and light once again. We must strive and push, claw and demand our way back from the ashes to create a new life, even though all we want is the old one. (miss you son)

7/26/11     Finding myself:   In three years, I lost my son (so that life ended) my marriage of 36 years (so that life ended) my other kids were old enough and moved out of the house (that life ended) my job of 25 years, my home which I designed and built, and my dad and step-dad. Everything that I identified with for most of my life ended. I don’t even know who I am anymore….. but you know, whoever I am I like myself more than I ever have in my life because I’ve molded myself from the ashes… I don’t have anything negative around me anymore. I’m free…..

7/27/11      I am the keeper and owner of my existence therefore I would rather mold my life to accomodate what I can handle, than to numb my mind to accomodate a life that I need to change. Cherish your life in all ways.

7/29/11     I wrote: “I am the keeper and owner of my existence therefore I’d rather mold my life to accomodate what I can handle, than to numb my mind to accomodate a life that I need to change.” I’d add that we have little or no control over many things (like in my case the loss of a child or a devastating divorce) but our power remains to change our world (if only from within) to accomodate what we can handle.

7/29/11     Regardless of the pain,oftentimes we are better off alone when trying to process loss and hurt. This gives us the space we need to think & learn & grow from what has happened & become stronger & more resilient in the process. Some of us, understandably so, are so focused on easing the pain they spend very little time alone,sadly foregoing the spiritual and emotional growth which can be gained from the experience.

8/1/11     As heartbreaking as it is to imagine and accept, the life we had while our children were alive is gone.  Grieve the life, the loss of ourselves and our children, but also know that somewhere deep inside all of us is a stubborn, tenacious desire to survive and to live; otherwise we (absolutely including myself here too) would take our own lives.  There is a reason why we don’t and it is in all of us, whether or not we have other children or grandchildren, regardless of religion, regardless of how strong the desire is to die…we don’t.  You see, we have a hardwired, biological survival instinct that keeps us from taking our own life (although illness may interfere with this instinct).  If the instinct keeps us alive (and most of us will live out our lives till we are called home naturally)… some point it really comes down to choosing how we will live out the rest of our lives.   We carry the loss throughout our lives, but there will be joy and love once again if we allow it to come back into our lives.   I never could have written this three years ago when I lost my son……..i wanted only to die and go and be with him.  I am learning how to live again though.  I say this just to show that there is hope for peace in your life, even while carrying this devastating loss.     

8/3/11         Life always has it’s own plan for us, & we’re really just along for the ride. “Ha ha,” life says, “I’m changing things whenever I feel like it. Hold on, quick corner coming up. A oh, sorry I know it looked like we were turning right, but we’re turning left instead. Oh well, sorry ’bout that. Hang on and roll with it, baby.”

8/4/11        My son’s 3 yr anniversary is coming up on Sunday. I have been thinking so much about his accident and having lots of Post Traumatic Stress. I keep seeing images of his car accident over and over again and of the car hitting the tree and it catches me off guard and I lose my breath.  I also usually see me grieving upon learning the horrible news, slumped over, legs buckled, sobbing so hard I couldn’t breath.  Well, I had a wonderful image come into my mind recently.  It was of me grieving three years ago…yes, slumped over, legs buckled, unable to stop crying but this time I saw my son in all his angelic form with wings leaning over me and supporting me, arms wrapped around me…holding me up so I didn’t completely slip away and die. Now I have this “image” cemented in my brain as if it is real and as it gets closer to Sunday, I will have this gift from my son to remind me why I am still here at all.

8/5/11       I will die again on Sunday at 5:15 pm……this will be the third anniversary of mine and my son’s death.  Yes, we both died that day.  The positive person left behind to walk my life in between the holidays and anniversaries and birthdays doesn’t even resemble this person who is presently awaiting a disasterous car accident…..this person who is begging life to please change the outcome and tell my son to just come home….please.  don’t let him die again, and again, and again…over and over again

8/7/11        If you asked me 20 years ago, “How did you know that, Sharen?” I would have smiled, winked & said, “I know everything.” Imagine, it took me 30 years to think I knew everything & then another 20 years to learn that I don’t. How the heck did I go from knowing “everything” to knowing “nothing”? Mmmmm, a smart person who knows nothing……that would be me

8/7/11     Trust yourself: be an open book and the pages will write themselves

8/8/11      In my quiet times, when my mind is still, I will choose to dwell where the light shines brightest. In my dark turbulant times, when I am rocked and tossed about, when nothing is quiet and nothing is still, my resolve weak, the brightest light still dwells in me.

8/8/11      Awareness always transcends conscious thought, so stop thinking about transcending conscious thought; just close your eyes, silly….you’re already there.    PeLoJo (peace, love, joy)

8/15/11     Wishing that you will find peace in what or where ever your journey leads you …but remember to bring peace to that journey too by walking your path confidently (don’t take things too personally).  Know your truth and show the world who you are in how you live your life.  Your actions will define you.

8/19/11    It is difficult for me to trust someone’s sincerity when they “beg” for forgiveness after they get caught or when they are prompted to do so for some reason outside of themselves. I think true integrity occurs when people are prompted from within to confess and apologize.

8/20/11     Although we are shaped and influenced by what happens to us, we are not defined or imprisoned or freed by it………period.  We are so much more than what the world can do to us or give us or take away.  Choose to think big thoughts because narrow minded thinking will only get you narrow minded results (unless of course you are happy with narrow minded results, then more power to you.)  

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

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