Moving the furniture

Dear Father,
I am feeling very insecure and sad about moving.  This house is so much smaller and I miss seeing the ocean out of my window.  I feel claustrophobic here in the 750 sq. ft. of space.  I miss my kids right now and hope they will come to visit soon.  My brother Freddie, his two boys, and my nephew came over yesterday and helped me move the bigger pieces of furniture.  These were some bureaus and a hutch and my refridgerator.  I was worried that I was going to have to leave them behind because I didn’t know how to get them to the new house (I don’t have the money to hire movers).  I was very happy and relieved to have these pieces of furniture brought here because I bought them just before my son died and they were delivered the day after he died to my big house.  I remember the movers arriving on the morning of August 8th, 2008.  The poor delivery guy knocked on my door, I opened it and he said “Good morning Mam, we are here to deliver your furniture.”  I looked at him, surprised and said, “Um…..well…..okay, I guess.  I’m sorry, my son died in a car accident last night.”  The poor guy looked like someone punched him in the stomach.  They delivered the furniture that day and it showed me how life just goes on the same way after someone dies. 

My son was so excited about me buying the new furniture.  He’d known how difficult the past couple of years had been for me and he was excited to see me have something new.  But now he was gone and he wasn’t there to enjoy the new furniture with me.  It took all the fun out of having it, even though it still holds such sentimental meaning for me.  So, that is why I got choked up after my brother was able to get the furniture here to the new house.  My brother got a little choked up too because he remembers when they delivered the furniture too.  He was at my house that day, the day after my son (his nephew) died.

I will have a new beginning here at this house, Father.  I am grateful to you for my mental and physical strength.  I pray for patience today and please help me to keep focused on the moment, not the past or the future.  The birds woke me up at 4:15 am and the cat cried all night to go out.  Those are my only complaints.     

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Starting over……again

Dear Father,
I am moving today for the 7th time in 6 years.  I am nervous and sad to leave my house and move to this new place where I don’t know anyone.  Yesterday, I went and took my dog and cat and brought them to this new house, but first I drove to the cemetary where my son, Carmen, is buried (it is 2 minutes from my old house) and let my dog say good-bye to Carmen.  Carmen loved this dog and used to sleep with him.  This will be the last time the dog will be near the cemetary. The dog and the cat are both wide awake now at 3 am.  I know they are trying to figure out what the heck is going on.  

The first time I moved was a month after my husband of 28 years choked me in Oct. 2004.  I moved into one of our apartments.  Then I had to move into another one because that apartment needed too many repairs.  I repaired the apartment and moved back into it three months later, but I also filed for a legal separation from my husband.  Then after listening and trusting his many reconcilitiry promises, we got back together.  I dropped the separation.  Then in July 2005 he came to my apartment and beat and raped me.  I got a restraining order and he was indicted by a grand jury on 6 counts of rape and assault.  Filed for divorce and moved into a smaller apartment.  His attorney got a court ordrer to freeze our bank account, which cut me off from our savings.  I moved into a studio apartment.  I relinquished more and more of my belongings each time I moved.  Our divorce was final on February 14, 2006.  I got a bank loan and built a home of my own.  The bank loaned me money even though I did not have a job (my job for 28 years was in a family business with my husband).  My new home was 3000 sq. ft.  I am moving into this smaller house because I can not afford the mortgage payments on the house I built four years ago.  This house is only 800 sq. ft., but it has a big yard.  My unemployment ran out, too, and there aren’t any teaching jobs around.  I’ll probably get a job in a department store.

I feel like I am starting over……again.  And I am relinquishing yet another batch of belongings which I do not have room for in this new house.  I hope this is the last time I have to move, Father.  I hope I get to stay here and make this house my home.  The transition from being married to single (and an empty nester) has been such a difficult one for me.  I’ve struggled to create a new identity for myself, all the while feeling insecure because I’ve lacked a stable place to call home or the family and job I had for so many years. 

Please Father, I pray that you bless this move which I am about the make.  Grant that I may rest in the knowledge that this is will be my final move…..unless of course I move onto bigger and better things.  Then, I would surely welcome another move.             Starting Over   

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Life Goes On

Dear Father,
So…what has changed for me since Sunday when I was in your divine presence?  Nothing.  My life is just the same as it always is.  This is what always happens.  I am the recipient of a life-changing, spiritual incident and then my life goes on exactly as it did before.  It’s weird.  But then again, maybe it’s just because I am not in the same time mode as you.  I mean, I am in a human time mode and you are on an infinity mode.  If I step back from my own human existence I see that last Sunday and today (Wednesday) are basically in the same time frame.  I bet my human life is just an inkling of time going by so what seems to be taking a long time in my mind is not even a blip in infinity.  I bet that whatever happened on Sunday is just more of the same of me getting a glimpse of the spirit realm, this has been happening since I can remember.  It shouldn’t be anything special because in reality I “should” be able to live and comprehend both worlds.  My physical presence is kind of just a pain in the neck to my spirit, which resides always with you.  I always hear you and know you are there, but the humanness of me is emotional and forgets to step back and see the bigger picture about my life.  I pray for patience, Father, and for clarity and peacefulness.

I am in the process of renovating  a house which I am planning on moving into.  It will be a peaceful house, and I will live my life dedicated to honoring you, Father.  I will not allow bad spirits or negative, doubtful, energy to enter this domain.  If I do, then I do not deserve to live here because I know that this house has been waiting for me to arrive and begin living this life.  I will be grateful for this home, and I will show my gratefulness by living a life of integrity and peace, compassion and love, simplicity and grace, kindness and joy, etc.   

I need to finish painting today.  But also Terminex will be here soon (I still have a problem with carpenter ants) and Sears is bringing my new washer this afternoon.  I think I’ll bring my pets here later on.  It is time for them to come and live here with me and to share this new house with me.                      

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

The Affirmation

Dear Father,
My life changed tonight .  I went to see a lady give a seminar about talking to you because my friend, Joe, the musician was playing at the seminar and he invited me.  I was tired, feeling kind of crappy and really didn’t feel like it, but he asked me to and I told him I would.  Funny that the first thing she talked about was that we are never alone.  Funny to me because I was just saying to myself while I was getting dressed to go that I hate being alone and that I miss being in a relationship.  This “being alone” stuff gets me down sometimes because I just can’t understand why I am still alone.  I’m starting to feel like there must be something wrong with me.   Maybe I’m not pretty enough or smart enough or young enough or loveable enough for someone to want to be with me.  I mean I was married for like 30 years so it’s really hard for me to grasp the fact that I must learn to be okay on my own.  And for the most part, I am.  I am actually a lot more ok with being alone now than I first was after the divorce.  But still, I wonder why.  As if there must be a fault of mine why I am alone.  I think maybe however, that  you want me to be alone so I can be free of distraction so then I can hear your voice.  I think maybe that’s what has happend the past five years.  All my distraction is gone.  My husband and marriage, little Carmen, my surviving children are grown and off on their own, my money and investments and good credit, my health, my relationships, my job.  It’s all gone.  I don’t even have cable.  All the noise in my life is gone, and I’ve had to accept and let all of it go, too.  I know I allowed all these things to happen because somewhere inside of me I knew that I needed to be free in order to be able to hear you, Father.  

So, tonight I went to see this lady, even though I feel like I already can talk to you.  What changed tonight wasn’t the communication, it was the visual I got.  I saw you in my mind’s eye.  I am still trembling and completely overwhelmed by what I saw.  She told us to close our eyes and to remove all distractions and to think about you.  Well, I don’t have much distraction anymore…no job, no family, no money, no close friends, no addictions….so I am more open to connecting with you.  It was unbelieveable, what happened.    I relaxed and thought about you like I always do and let myself be completely free.  My spirit was free but I wasn’t asleep.  Then I saw a light.  It was like an explosion light but in slow motion.  Then I started to see images of faces of all these different people who I don’t know.  Then up in the top of my mind’s eye I knew you were there.  It was like a solar light burning but it wasn’t hot.  It’s weird, it was like the sun but I was right near it next to it surrounded by it.  Then I asked “Am I good enough?” and you said answered me, “You always were.”  Then I asked, “Am I loveable enough?” and you answered, “Yes, I love you.”  Then I asked, “What do you want me to know?”  and you answered, “You are not alone.  I am always with you.” 

Father, I am overwhelmed by the light of you and of being in your presence and of acquring an understanding that I’ve never known.  Everything makes perfect sense to me now.  I have been afraid of meeting you my whole life because it scared me because I didn’t think I was good enough.  But tonight, I put my fear away and I soared to where you are and I met you finally in person after all these years of mine.  There you were right in front of me telling me that you loved me and that I’ve always been good enough.  I’ve hidden myself away because I was afraid of your light.  I still don’t know what it means….maybe it doesn’t even “mean” anything (I try to analyze every single thing).  I wondered on my drive home why?  why am I able to see you?  who am I to see you?  what’s wrong with me?  what kind of person sees God?  I’m trying to accept that it’s really me, that I really am worthy to see you.

Then on the drive home I was filled with so much internal talk, talk, talk.  My own and yours.  I asked more questions and the answers came quickly and with authority.  I am worthy to see you.  I asked, “But what should I do now.” and  “What do I need to do?” and “I have to do something about this.”  and as I scrambled in my mind to make sense out of it, I realized I was running away from what happened, trying to create distraction instead of just listening and you said, “You don’t need to to anything.  Let me.  Let me do what I need to do.  I will take care of you if you will trust me.  But you need to trust me.”  My heart belongs to you Father.  Now, I know exactly where my son is and this has eased my mind beyond compare.  I knew I would make my way to the light.  I knew it.  I guess I just needed to be reminded of how to get there.   This is the only home I’ve ever wanted or needed, Father.  I am completely free to do your will, finally, and your light will shine from me.  I am home.     

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Silent Mode

I wrote a song about domestic violence two years ago.  I do not talk much about how my life was affected by domestic violence because first of all, I know I made choices and second, I have broken the cycle and I do not want it to define my new life.  However, I am bringing it up today because of an email I received this morning from a lady who found my song on YouTube.  I need to share the email and a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YqXwVM_frg  to my song in the hope that someone (be they man, woman, or child) being abused may find comfort and hope.  The email is from Gail Amend and she gave me permission to quote her and to use her name.     

” Good Morning Sharen,

For many years I have tried to find a song that fits me and a few days ago I was on youtube and found “I Wont Cry” and fell in love with it. I have a hard time writing about myself and I find it hard to write anything about me, in the “about me” block on facebook without going into all the drama and detail. So to sum it up, I just simply put your song on my “about me” block. I hope you don’t mind.

I am still in “silent” mode from what happened, but have all the intentions of one day being able to speak.

Gail .”

It takes an incredible amount of courage to put your name out there for all the world to see when you’re feeling beaten and abused.  Peace to you, Gail, my new friend and sister.

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.

Speaking my truth

I haven’t spoken much on the topic of domestic violence and abuse but I am today.  Here is what I wrote in my journal the day after I recorded my song, I Won’t Cry, about domestic violence:

“I was so proud of myself when I left the recording studio yesterday.  I couldn’t wait to get home and share the new song with everyone.  I was a nervous wreck the whole week leading up to the recording, filled with my ex’s voice saying, like he always did, “Oh, Sharen, come on, it wasn’t that bad.  You know I love you.  Come on back to bed.  Don’t worry.  I’ll make it all better.  Don’t tell anyone, Sharen.  Don’t listen to your own mind, listen to me, I’m the only friend you really have.  I would never really hurt you, Bellezza.  Trust me.”   I also kept having flashbacks (which I thought were real) of him punching me and slapping me and spitting on me, and of course, vivid nightmares about the rape two years ago.  I was also reminded of the humiliated, defeated, unprotected, hopeless, scared and trapped way I used to feel. 

As I was feeling all of this all over again, I saw inside of my mind something I’d thought was put to rest.  I started to remember that little girl in me.  Remember I told you I had her inside of me, like an image, and she carries all of these bad feelings and all the hurt and all the humiliation.  She sits in a corner in my mind, all broken and battered, carrying all that so it’s not incorporated in me (this was definitely a survival technique I must have created growing up).  So, I haven’t felt this other me in at least a couple of years.  (I haven’t needed her… I’m not being abused anymore.  Dad’s dead and I’m not with the ex.)  Then sure as day, just as the anxiety and flashbacks started, there she was again, helping me by absorbing all the nastiness, and I felt so bad for her (even though I know it’s really me).  She sat in the lonely corner of my mind (I could see her with my mind’s eye), shaking and afraid, and these were only flashbacks!   “Okay, damn it,” I said to myself.  “I am going to stick up for you and not turn back and not let my fear keep you in that corner.”  I will publicly acknowledge all that you’ve gone through, especially since the abusers have never acknowledged their own guilt.  I thought, “where is the justice for her?”  She is still paying the price.  I feel like a loser inside because I caved in about not following through in court about the rape.  I didn’t finish what I started.  And that little girl is still suffering inside. 

I wrote the song over a year ago.  It sat on a shelf while I produced my cd for little Carmen but I knew that someday I would go ahead and push through the fear and get it recorded.  When I finished Carmen’s album (which actually took the focus off of my other issues) that song kept coming back into my head.  I couldn’t shake it.  I knew I had to go ahead and get it done.   Right now is the right time more than at any other time in my life because I’m FINALLY physically in a safe place.  Dad and my ex have always been watching over my shoulder, until now.    

       So, it was with tremendous fear that I drove to the studio that day.  I was scared of Carmen killing me and the reaction of my family.  All could hear was the ex saying (and I could actually hear his voice in my head) , “Sharen, go home.  Just forget about it.  It’s not good to tell.  You’re going to get in trouble.”  Then I remembered what little Carmen said to me with a defeated, intense disappointment toward me, he said, “Mom, you should have sent him to jail.  Why didn’t you send him to jail?”  Also, but in the tiniest whisper, I could see her (my image), looking up at me from her corner and saying, “Really?  You’re really going to do this for me?”  She honestly looks like an abused little girl in my mind.  How could I not stand up for her?  I love kids.    

                With all this going on in my head, I still drove there by myself and made the recording and the video of me singing it.  The message of the song is about me being strong.  It’s not about my ex or my father, even though they are part of the song.  I wrote it to illustrate the progression and pattern of abuse that happens to a lot of women, like it did to me.  It’s not a “oh, feel bad for me” song at all, it’s about being strong.  I sing it for me and for anyone being abused.  While I recorded it, I started to feel so strong, finally empowered in a different way than ever before.  You see, now that it’s public, there’s no going back now to my ex or my father’s voice saying, “Oh, that never really happened.”  This song is a testament to the truth, for me, and for millions of other abused people out there.  But and this is most important, it’s for the little girl in me who waited a lifetime to have someone stand up for her. 

                I left the studio feeling like a new person.  I went home and watched the video and saw the look of determination on my face and I cried because I knew what it took me for me go ahead and record the song.  I have finally found a wonderfully supportive venue  in songwriter and singing where I can connect spiritually with lots of other people who I can relate to and who can relate to me.  I can share my story about losing my son and now share the truth about the abuse and not feel ashamed or afraid.  I pray that others will find peace, loving light, and courage in their journey.      

I WON’T CRY (my domestic violence song on YouTube)

Purchase this song on iTunes

Please share your story with me.  I would LOVE to hear from You.

Sharen Wendy Robertson owns the copyright to all posts on this Blog.